Pain Can Be a Blessing

So earlier this week I was working out and I hurt my back. And this time I really did it, I was hobbling around like an old man. I have been told that I need to strengthen my back and this wouldn't happen, but I didn't so here we are. So you may be asking why pain is a blessing? Well it only has the potential of being a blessing, and thankfully for me this week it was.

The reason that pain is such a powerful thing is because it effectively prevents us from faking who we really are. When you are in pain it becomes your focus and it leaves you no energy to be the fake person that many of us show on the outside. I started by blaming the pain for being irritable, short tempered, and a condescending person, but then I realized that the pain wasn't changing who I was it was merely pealing off the top layer of my facade. I believe it is like being rich, it doesn't change who you are it merely amplifies it and many people don't like what they find.

My pain was momentary and I got a glimpse of my sin tendencies, but now my back is feeling better. I have two options either I can go back to pretending and hiding my self or I can now work on the nasty things that I found under the surface. I am going to work on understanding my temper and how to deal with it, I am going to remember the things that are important in life and not let the little things get me down, and I am going to remember the value people have as creations of God.

Another small blessing is that after a day of it you start to see that most of the things that get under your skin do not matter, and you seen how truly great things like family and friends are in life.

One Day at a Time

When I was younger I was amazed that there were people who wanted to work in an office building filled with cubicles. Later in my adolescence I realized that most of those people hated that they were there, but I still couldn't understand how someone would allow themselves to get stuck in a hopeless job like that. I reasoned that they must be either boring people or so focused on promotion potential that they would go though anything. I made a promise to myself that I would never become one of those people.

Now, however I am starting to understand. Those people didn't all go into those jobs with intentions to say. They just got stuck there one day at a time. I can imagine there reasons for taking the job in the first place. It was probably something like: the money is good and I need to get back on my feet, I am just going to do this until I start my real career, or I am not really one of these people, I just work here. As the days, weeks, months, and even years drag on people get comfortable with the benefits and lifestyle that the job provides. They start to build friendships and can easily preform their given task. Before you know it this menially job that you never intended to keep becomes part of who you are.

Though this is not where my job is headed and not what my job is like, I was terrified by the prospect of this ever happening. I don't ever want to just do a job because I need to, though there are times in my life when that could be necessary. I will not become comfortable, I will seek jobs and opportunities because I am passionate about it and it helps humanity. I refuse to become stuck one day at a time.

Resolving to Change Each Month

So I really stink at follow through. If I say I am going to do something for a year count on about 3 weeks and then I am out. I don't like this about myself, but it is something that I have always struggled with. I never want to give up on my resolutions to become a better person, but I often do so the business of the year returns and time becomes a precious commodity. This year will be different because, with the advice of a wise friend, I am planning on having a new resolution for a better self each month. Then if it hasn't become a habit by the end of the month I will move on. I am hoping to keep all 12 resolution, but if I don't I am not going to beat myself up I am going to be proud of what I accomplished. So far I am going strong on January, finding a gym and working out at least 3 days a week. I have found a gym and have been going 3 times a week (and boy do I feel it). I have already planned my resolution for February learn how to do three new things. One for work, one practical thing, and one fun/random thing. I have decided that for the practical thing I will learn how to knit, because lets be serious gifts forever.

Fighting All the Wrong Battles

Today for my quiet time I read 2 Chronicles 20:17,

"‘You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.”

This got me thinking why were the people of Judah afraid? Well to give a little context their enemies were bearing down on them. I would say that is a reason to be afraid, possible annihilation. The thing is that it isn't their battle to fight and God has already told them that he is the one who is going to defeat their enemies. He tells them that the only thing they need to do is to stand firm and hold their position. First thing I though is silly Judah why are you freaking out God clearly says He's got this all you have to do is stand your ground. Then I let it sink in and I ponder further.

Do I ever plan and fight in battle that aren't mine to fight or that have already been won? Sadly I do. The biggest example that I can think of is my own salvation, it has already been bought and paid for, the battle is over. But do I live as though its true? Or do I still try to live up to the perfect law of God on my own? Do I worry about how to be good enough compared to the perfection of God? The answer to both is yes I am fighting a battle that was never mine to fight.

This might sound trivial, it did to me at first, but then I started to reason out the ramifications. If I am wasting all my energy on battles that don't need to be fought or don't need to be fought to me I count myself out of the things that God has actually called me to. When I am so consumed with being perfect on my own accord I often don't feel worthy to share Christs love and don't feel about to be a light in this dark world.

Today has been quite the day of revelations. This one in particular, if I can live by what I have learned I will have the energy and confidence to really play a part in the will of God.

My Parent's Keeper

Everyday we hear about how the elderly are either unable to take care of themselves, abused by those taking care of them, and occasionally how someone has went out of their way to help an elderly person. The facts of the matter are that elderly people love human interaction as much as people of any age do and that when they are unable to take care of themselves they need someone to take care of them.

So for a very long time I have felt that God is calling me overseas. I don't know where, but I feel that I will be away from this country for long periods. God has laid that desire on my heart and I am willing to go. My brother on the other hand, after his time in the military, has every intention of moving back to Iowa near the homestead and living the rest of his life there. I have often judged him for not wanting big things for his life and throwing away all the opportunities that he could have if only he was willing to go.

First of all I have started to realize that who am I to say that he wouldn't have amazing opportunities right where he wants to live? How do I a simple human know that he won't be able to change the world living from a small town in Iowa? Simple fact is I have no idea how his life will turn out and I have no right to judge his decisions. Second I have started to see my brothers desire to stay as a gift to me. Confused yet?

My parents are aging, because, as with all humans, one day they will die. With the aging process there is a chance that they will reach a point when they won't be able to take care of themselves or each other and that scares me and breaks my heart. This is also one of the big reasons I have been nervous about doing missions work. I keep thinking how can I go and share the love of Christ with people while leaving my parents to be taken care of by strangers? But then it dawned on me I wouldn't be. I have a brother. Who seems to have a God given desire to stay within 10 miles of my parents.

So all this time I have been judging my brothers hopes and desires, when they are the very same hopes and desires that could one day allow me to follow God's call to go to the nations and share his love. Even though my parents are currently in great health and show no signs of slowing. God has given me perspective that is helping me appreciate my brother so much more and has taken the gavel out of my hands over my brothers life.

Though my brother and I have only started to see eye to eye about life and our need for the other one in it, moving forward I am going to give my brother the grace that I have withheld.

Rest in Peace Alan

Magic is darkened today. I think this is the first time that I have ever felt a sense of loss with an actors death. Though there have been others whose contribution to society I have appreciated and I knew that after they were gone the world would be different. But with Alan Rickman's death I actually felt loss. I think it is because he is intertwined so heavily in one of my childhoods biggest loves. He became Snape to me. He fit. What I pictured in the books he portrayed one the silver screen. Though I hated Snape, feared Snape, and even felt pity for Snape, I loved the way the Alan portrayed him. He became so real through the acting that I feel like I have lost someone I grew up with. Though Snape died in 1998 he really died to day. Along with the wonderful Alan Rickman.

Nervous As Hell

So no sooner did I finish my last post, then did I get hit with another wave of self doubt. I will admit that I am out of shape and I haven't seriously lifted for close to two years now. Though the people at Omaha Barbell are super friendly, they also seem to be very fit and I feel out of place. I know that everyone probably isn't at fit as they look and that I am just feeling insecure, but perception is reality. I fell like when I am in the gym that everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to do something wrong so they can throw me out and tell me I don't belong. This is a lie that I am letting myself be told, by the world, by the enemy, and by myself. I hate this part of myself and this is part of what I want to improve this year. I need to stop passively listening to the lies and start actively telling myself the truth. I may make a fool of my self in the gym, but they won't throw me out they. If I make a mistake there are already people who will step in and educate me and then from that I can grow into a better person both physically and mentally.

Welcome Home

Have you ever walked into a place and instantly felt at ease? Have you ever gotten the feeling where you know that this could become your second home? I had that today at the gym I just joined. I am mentally scoffing at myself so I am sure some of you might be too. This gym is different. I walk in and first off I get to meet the owner and he was super nice. I looked around the facilitates and its a real lifting gym, what every high school gym wants to be and what every corporate gym isn't. There are lots of free weights and only a couple treadmills. But more than all of that people actually interacted with me. Not in the way you would expect, there was no body shaming or sneers. It isn't a big gym and the owner talked about it being a tight knit family. People asked if I needed help or suggestions, without a hint of arrogance. So the transformation of my body is going to be hard and there are going to be days when I want to quit, but I think this gym will get me through.

Failing Slowly

So this year I have resolved to have created a better me by the end of 2016 than the end of 2015 saw. This is a continuation of last years goals and I am excited to proceed. However I have already experienced that this is going to be hard. The world and the enemy are constantly working against humanity to keep us where we are or push us back. I am starting to see that "maintaining" is really just an lie that we are told and that we tell ourselves for what is really just a slow regression to failure. I believe there is no maintaining there is only progress or regression. I think I would rather fail fast and in spectacular fashion rather than slowly without even realizing it. Failing fast enables you to learn then grow from the experience. So this year I resolve to either succeed or fail spectacularly and then grow out of this failure. And I resolve to never just maintain the areas of my life.

Life Abundant

This is what I wrote about my depression and the light I am now seeing.

Life Abundant

Tearing, ripping at my heart and mind

But encased in grey, my life is blind

Living a placid, peaceful death

Hiding my emotions to my last breath

Nothing ever changing day to day

Calm outside, but my soul being flayed

Passing through in ignorant bliss

All the while sinking in the abyss

But then the stone begins to crack

All at once it shatters and I can’t go back

Flotsam and jetsam plaguing my life

Shipwrecks of the past filled with strife

Trudging and tumbling in the noxious mire

Lost in the storm, thrown in the fire

Glimmers of hope in an endless nightmare

Leaving the poisonous lies for fresh air

Filled with this weird, crazy thing

Gaining knowledge, what will it bring?

I can sense the change, I feel triumphant

This is how it should be, life, life abundant 

Hello All

Hello,
First thing you should know is that I am writing for myself. I don't write to be read, but if I am that's okay. I write because it is therapeutic and because words hold so much power. I will write about my thoughts and opinions and even include my fears and worries. I have experienced some different things in life than other and I have also experienced some of the same. I write about my faith because it is the undercurrent and enabler of my life. Jesus saved me and I don't deserve it, but I am going to use the second chance I have been given. I have struggled with depression, but I am seeing light again. It isn't gone, but it has lost its control. This year I want to change myself, but for no one but myself. I want to engage with the people around me, I want a body that will last and work well, and I want to grow closer to the heart of the Creator. Not sure where I am going, but you are welcome to come along for the ride.