Grace is Easy, Accepting its Hard

Why do most Christians struggle to accept the grace we have been freely given?

For by grace, you have been saved through faith. 

And this is not your own doing;

 it is the gift of God, not a result of works, 

so that no one may boast. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

This question is a difficult one to answer. Though I believe that people around the world struggle with it, we in the United States have a particularly hard time with this concept. I know that I do. And these three topics I address are the reason that I struggle to accept grace in my own life and the reason I believe that we struggle with it as a country. 

The first part of what stands in our way is ourselves. In the US we have the idea of the America Dream, which at its core is the belief that we can do and become whatever we want if we work hard enough. We believe that we will receive whatever we work for and that we deserve whatever we get. The idea of reaping what we sow has been instilled in us from our earliest days. Some may say, that as a society we love getting things for free, but even in this I believe that we subconsciously think that getting something for free is really a way of the cosmos paying us back for being a good person. Think about it, we accept gifts, no problem, unless they are too big. Once it reaches this threshold we feel guilty. I think this is because it is so generous that we cannot justify why we deserve it. With grace, it is the most generous gift we can ever receive with the highest cost that has ever been paid. There is no way that anyone can justify in their mind that they deserve to have the God of the universe die for them. So to accept grace is to accept our own unworthiness. 

Psalm 31 does an excellent job at explaining the position we must adopt to accept grace:

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things

too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord

from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 31

So we are the first thing that stands in the way of us accepting grace easily. The second is the loss of control. This also stems heavily from the American Dream. We like the idea that we are in control of our own lives, it is not until things start falling apart that we start to look outside of ourselves for a cause. In an average conversation overheard in any public place, you can hear people explain how they brought about their good fortune and blame others for any woe they have suffered. Accepting the fact that someone else helped us or provided our good fortune is contrary to our nature. It reveals the biggest lie we believe that no one else actually believes about us. We have no more control over bringing about our salvation that we do about the orbit of the earth or the flow of the tides. Accepting grace leads to the destruction of the illusion of self-sufficiency. God did for us what we could not do for ourselves, we had no control or say in this. It is this fact that makes grace hard for us to accept. 

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

“I know that you can do all things,

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

‘Hear, and I will speak;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.’

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,

but now my eye sees you;

therefore I despise myself,

and repent in dust and ashes.”

Job 42:1-6

The third thing that stands in our way is fear. This is wrapped up in the other two. Another aspect of the American Dream, though it is never spoken of, is the idea that we are supposed to be fearless in all that we do. Nothing is supposed to unsettle us. Nothing is supposed to give us pause. It's the belief that we are the greatest nation on earth, we can conquer anything without batting an eye, and as a citizen, we should be as fearless as our nation. This is the lie we most easily see through, because even though we would never say it out loud we are terrified. And what are we terrified of the most?Easy, the things that happen outside of our control. The things we could not stop if we tried. The things that no amount of preparation can prevent or hasten. We are scared to trust God because it forces bravery we are not used to. With Him, we have to face our fears, because the more we know him the more we know we are not in control of anything. God can be trusted and He will destroy our fear.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

 I will strengthen you, I will help you,

 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Grace is hard to accept because to accept it we have to accept so much more. We have to accept that we are undeserving. We have to accept that we are not in control of anything. We have to accept that we are afraid. Grace brings us to our knees, but it is right where we need to be.  

Resources:
Why Is Grace So Hard To Accept? (2012, July 3). Retrieved December 22, 2016, from http://www.truthandway.org/blog/why-is-grace-so-hard-to-accept

McNulty, K. L. (n.d.). IMPACT- The Problem With Grace. Retrieved December 22, 2016, from http://www.madradioshow.net/impact/impactgrace.html

Mayer, M. (2014, September 15). Grace is Hard to Receive. Retrieved December 22, 2016, from http://everysquareinch.net/grace-is-hard-to-receive/

Picture borrowed from http://www.flowingfaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/11776.jpg

Advent

The days start to shorten

     and the darkness creeps in

Our hearts long for saving

     and the waiting begins

We enter this season

     with priorities all wrong

Beat down by the year

     so painful and long

So often it is said

     that hope spring eternal

But often it's forgotten

     in pursuing the external

But assured is this hope

     though we cannot yet see

It is certain and ensured

     by His death on the tree

Frequently this season

     is nothing more than a blur

But presence is a gift

     like frankincense and myrrh

Preparing our hearts

     should not be by chance

So that the manger

     receive more than a glance

Often passing delight

     is mistaken for joy

Craving the next thing

     it's all just a ploy

Though often it's missed

     joy itself is a gift

Through a future secure

     we are no longer adrift

If everyone were honest

     one would top the list

Most valuable is love

     giving a meaning to exist

It can sometimes be found

     in family and friend

But the true source

     no other can transcend

Christ is the focus

     the waiting is finished

Our souls are revived

     we can strive undiminished

Dispelled is the darkness

     and hope born anew

Our lives are ransomed

     God broke through

Picture borrowed from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/the-village-blog/the-season-of-advent/

Waiting For Christmas

For as long as I can remember I have waited with bated breath on the happiness that December brings. I would make my list and dream of the chocolate dipped pretzel my mom makes every year. Throughout the months of waiting there were times that I would despair feeling that it would never arrive and that I couldn't wait another second. Every year to date, however, I have made it to Christmas. I have gotten to over indulge on sugary sweets. I have gotten too ripe open my presents. I have gotten to experience the magic of Christmas.
Though not intentionally, I believe that this has been training me to experience the Advent season on a deeper level. Advent is about the waiting and I have been waiting for Christmas for many years now. Now I understand that the despair I felt was the world without the gift that Christmas brought. And we still have that despair at times waiting for the Savior to come again. To free this broken world from the darkness that still exists.
Going through the Advent season this year has really helped me appreciate this time of year better. Not only this time of year but my life as well. The waiting and despair have a purpose and that purpose is to prepare our hearts for the receiving. The receiving is put into perspective when we know what we currently have. We live in a broken world that will never truly satisfy our soul deep desires.
Christmas is the culmination of our desire to see a restored world and revived souls. Though this season has been corrupted like everything else in the world it does serve as a glimpse into what is to come. Our souls have life breathed into them. We are able to gather to those who mean the most to us. We are able to take the time to reflect on the birth and death of our Savior. And we are able to share the love of Jesus through gifts and the gospel.
Though the clouds have not yet been rolled back and the Jesus has not yet called us home, we can share His love and experience our own relationship with him on a deep level this Christmas Season.

Scarlet Moon

Blood sprayed on your porcelain face

Broken promises and ripped up lace

Watching over the world below

As friends and countrymen turn to foe

The streets run red from what divides

And disaster presses from every side

Safety fleas from hearth & home

Love forgotten from The Holy Tome

You with us in concert wait

For us to reach our final fate

Freed at last from groaning pain

Washed by blood not shed in vain

My Love Will Last

(Serious attempt at a poem based on a cheesy song)

After the light falls from the sky
And the world's truth is revealed as a lie
While the mannequins walk away
And all our sins are plain as day
My love will last until I die

After all regard for life is lost
And the souls of the masses are covered in frost
While my vision blurs in terror's haze
And my dreams are cast in a funeral blaze
My love will last at any cost

When being true is a deadly crime
And the call of sweet darkness is sublime
While my safety means a slow decay
And smog chokes out the sun's last ray
My love will last in shadow's time

Until all memory of peace has faded
And hearts of the leaders are fully jaded
While breaking ourselves to prove we're the same
And donning lies at the cost of our name
My love will last unaided

Until nothing of happiness remains
And even the resistance is slapped in chains
While facing the fire and deaths embrace
With you next to me I can finish the race
My love will last through all strains

Writer's Block

I have writer's block. Either I stare at the screen and nothing comes to mind or I write then delete because it feels forced. It sucks, I want to write, but nothing. That is all for now. Hopefully write to you all later.

Broken

Darkness fills this world to the seems

Nightmares are no longer the thing of dreams

The pain that it causes runs so deep

It looks like all light, away, has seeped

Each day more die for worthless pursuits

Hoping that violence will produce lasting fruits

Bullets rain down and hate takes wing

And we all start to learn why the caged bird sings

The lies we believe choke our reality

Isolating ourselves causing collective depravity

Broken people crumbling to dust

Consumed by gods of pride, envy, and lust

Hope is fleeing from terrors of the night

Looking for relief, but finding poisoned light

Vanguards killing those they protect

From labors of life and love they defect

Knees bloody and broken from hallow prayers

Seeking freedom from worldly affairs 

Beat down to the point of utter desperation 

But this total surrender might prevent damnation

A guide wading to us through the mire

Voice of rushing water, eye of fire

The darkness burns within his gaze

My tounge can't help but utter his praise

The blood he gave will give us life

Eternatly secure, but filled with strife

The flesh still writhes against my soul

But I know I am destined to be whole

Dear Anxiety,

Dear Anxiety,

     I have thought about what I would say to you if could for quite some time. Many times it is just a string of expletives, but that is when you have me by the throat. It's those moments that my feelings are a mixture of fear and hatred. When I am able to hold you off though its more curiosity. You are the greatest mystery in my life. You are the constant unknown and the reason that planning is hard. It may seem weird to be writing to you, to an idea. To me, however, you are much more. I can see you and you look like me. Not entirely, though, you have dark circles under your bloodshot eyes. Your hair stands on end like mine does when I run my fingers through it too much. You seem to tower over me, but your back bent like you carry the weight of a thousand people's worries. You mumble constantly spinning tales of horrible possibilities and you don't seem to have a grasp on reality. At times you are as imposing as a mountain, but sometimes weaker than a gust of wind.

     Maybe you don't understand what you do to me, maybe its just part of who you are. Let me tell you about the hell that you have put me through. I can have plans with friends, plans I am excited for with friends whom I love and you ruin them. You make me questions everything. Will there be too many people? Will there be too few? Will I hate it? And these are the benign ones. The terrible ones are more like this. Do my friends want me there? Do they even like me? Do I even matter? Before long there aren't even questions anymore just terrible thoughts and pictures in my head. I start to lose my grip on reality. I start to hyperventilate. I feel like the world is crashing in around me. I feel weak and dizzy. You ruin my plans because I can't do anything after that.

     You make school so challenging. I will try doing an assignment that I am more than capable of doing well, but you take one stray thought and run with it. It starts with questioning one tiny part of my assignment, but then you make me questions if I can really do this assignment at all. You make me question if I am just faking it. I ask if I should really be in grad school at all. Then you convince me that I will never be qualified to finish. That I will never have a successful life. That I will be a disappointment to my family and friends. That I will fail at life. When it all comes at once, another panic attack grips me. And the worst part is I know that you are lying. I know I shouldn't believe you, but the hold that you have takes over.

     This is only the tip of the iceberg, you can ruin any situation and make me look like a freak that can't function. You can keep me up all night freaked out about the way I said an off-handed comment. You make life harder to live. I want to understand how you do this, it makes no sense. You are like the doorway to doubt and worry that I cannot close sometimes. If I could talk to you face to face I would ask you why. Why me? Why during the times when you are least welcome? I have realized though that you are misery and you long company. Though there are times that I cannot resist you, I am going to fight tooth and nail against you when I can.

     There are times when I can take you by the throat and stop you. Those times are few, but they happen more often all the time. For as big of a jackass as you are you are losing your effectiveness. And I will continue to do whatever I can to get rid of you for good. Not just that I am going to work to make sure that you leave others alone as well. No one wants you around, no one likes the way you make them feel. So not only am I going to work to undo the pain you inflict, I am actively going to work to destroy you. Wipe you from society. Make you nothing more than a faint memory in the minds of those liberated from your hold.

     I will win. You will lose. This is a termination of our relationship. Don't come back.

Never yours again,

-Jared

Wanderer No More

Today I changed the name of my blog. To most this will seem insignificant. To me, it is a monumental change. Originally my blog was called Commissioned Wanderer. I picked this name because I loved the quote "Not all who wander are lost". While this is true, it wasn't for me. I was lost, I was drifting, I was hiding from any decision that would set me on a planned path again. I was in this position because I didn't think I was strong enough for another thing to fall through. I had been pushed to the breaking point and I had crumbled under the pressure. I was in a bad place.

And this is exactly where I needed to be. I though it was dark and I was drifting it was rock bottom and God used it to build me up better than before. Without this period of wandering, I would have probably continued in my life with a nominal faith, mildly depressed, and consumed with fears of the failure. Instead, my faith has been put to the test and I have a real personal relationship with the Creator of the universe. I have gone to counseling and learned how to fight my depression tooth and nail. And I embrace failure, this was the slowest coming, but I have learned that failure is simply a starting line for something new and better.

So still you might ask, why the name change? Well in the Bible, anytime that there was a great change in someone's life their name would be changed. Abram to Abraham, Jacob to Israel, Naomi to Mara, and Simon to Peter. You get the picture name changes were a big deal. While I thought about change my name from Jared to something else I decided the legal documents would be too extensive. And my blog name had much more relevance to how I saw myself than my given name.

I no longer want to wander. It was what I needed for a season, but it is no lifestyle. Do I want to live an adventurous life? Absolutely and I plan to, but I will also have direction. My current direction comes from Isaiah 61:1:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

God has laid it on my heart to bring the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and open the prisons for those who are bound. God shows me daily how I can use what I am learning in Grad School to minister to people in these ways. I am excited to one day be a counselor and show people the good news of the Gospel and bind up the hearts that have been broken in this world. That is why I have changed the name to Commissioned Heart Binder. This is what I feel God is calling me to. This is my direction.

Amber and Rust

Nature's beauty, a sweet refrain
Soothing deep and lasting pain
The chains of life fall away
Color blooms from hues of grey

Ancient mountains, valleys, rivers
My heart from pride it delivers
Lofty heights ringed with mist
Where man and nature coexist

Walking among sentinel pines
My body and soul realign
Underfoot leaves of amber and rust
Dispelling anxiety with the lightest gust

Divinely wrought through wind and water
Able to see the mark of the Potter
Ravines that hold the coolness of dark
Flying free with the sparrow and lark

Rippling waves dancing in firelight
The choir of the moon eliciting delight
My spirit communes here with the Creator
Putting off lesser and seeking the greater

Advent: Week One

Advent is the Latin word for coming it is the season of the year that proceeds Christmas and is the waiting and longing for the birth of Jesus. It is the period that represents the tension in our lives between being saved by grace and waiting for the fulfillment of all promises. 

Last night we had the first Advent gathering. The first week is hope and it was exactly what my heart needed. I have been longing this year, but often without hope. My longing lacked Christ at the center. Without Christ providing hope for longing it can be very painful and destructive to the soul. Last night was what I needed to realign my focus on the Saviour. When longing is focused on Christ I find it produces abundant hope, but when Christ is absent from the equation it only produces despair.   

My favorite piece of scripture from the night was from Isaiah 61:1-4: 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

This to me this is the picture of hope. Not only the hope in the gospel message but our ability to be the hope bringings to this lost generation. The hope that we have in the Saviour that has come, but who will come again to the fulfilment of all promises is not only our message but our own hope. This seasons of longing reminds us that things are not yet perfect, but that perfection in the form of Jesus was sent, has redeemed the people of God, and will, in time, wipe away every tear. 

In part from the realization that I have spent much of this year longing without hope and in part from the reflection portion of last nights Advent gathering, my desire to bring hope to the hurting has returned. I have spent a good deal of time focused on myself and returning hope from depression. This was a healthy period of inward focus, but the fear of focusing outwards again has been painfully overwhelming. I have wanted to focus outward in the new work environment that God has placed me in and this Advent season feels like the push I need. 

The directed reflection for last night's gathering was to think of three people that need hope and how can you share hope with them in a way that points them to Jesus. I knew the instant that it was read that the three people who need hope in my life the most are my three coworkers. They do not know Jesus and I can be the vessel that God uses to bring it to them. I am still not certain how to do this, but they have been placed on my heart and God will show me the how. 

We often forget that this is a season of longing and hope for the Savior that is coming and has come. I pray that all of you are filled with this longing and hope as Christmas approaches. I also pray that God will lead you to three people that you can share this hope with who are in desperate need of it. 

Okay, But Not Content

Being in your mid-20s can be the worst.

Don't get me wrong I love parts of it. I love that I am no longer a child and I have the freedom that comes with that. I love that even though I am an adult, I can still do crazy, impulsive things. I am about to drive 13 hours with friends to see friends for a couple days and then drive 13 hours back and go right back to work. I know that I will not be able to do that at many other stages in life. I decide what I want to do. I can watch what I want, I can do what I want, and I can go where I want and I don't have to worry about anyone else.

At this point, you are probably wondering why I started with the statement that I did. The reason behind why I think this stage of life can be the worst is the conversations. When I enter a conversation with anyone who is a different age than I am and even people my own age there are certain questions that always come up. Some these are:

       So are you married?
       Are you dating?
       Have you found that special someone?
       Do you love your job?
       Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?
       What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
     
Don't get me wrong some people genuinely care, but there are some that prying for information, judging you, or waiting to give you advice. You can tell the different from the genuine people from the obnoxious ones easily. The obnoxious ones use phrases like these:

       Back in my day...
       If you were really trying...
       Singleness is a gift...
       I know this nice girl...
       You really need to figure your life out...
       At my age, I had my life together...
       You're not trying hard enough...

I will admit it isn't as cut and dry as I make it sound. There are genuine people who will use these statements and there are obnoxious one that will belie their true intentions. The point that I am making is ask better questions. Don't stay at small talk. Go deeper. Ask me about my hopes and dreams. Ask me about why I love this stage of my life. Ask me about the fears I have.

The blanket answer to the questions is that I am in a transition period in my life. I am loving parts of it and hating parts of it. I am doing okay, but I am not content. Honestly, I will probably never content with my life here on Earth. I am not meant to and that is okay.

Missing it

The days are dwindling
the desire for excess rekindling
As our hearts and wallets take a hit
Memories of pain still lingering
I think we're missing it

Forgotten are the meaning and reason
To skip the empty acts is near treason
Getting what we want is life or death
But just the rat race of another season
Seeking to be better with each and every breath

Extra hours for a few extra bucks
Finding the perfect gift with the other schmucks
Not making it to the recital, the party, the skit
Creating emotional baggage filling dump trucks
I think we're missing it

Loved ones replaced with Facebook likes
Negative comments like enemy airstrikes
Dismissed are the widows and orphans
Those in need mounted on pikes
Living our life for a high of endorphins

Hours away or all alone
No one reaches out through card or phone
Painful thoughts of family and lights all lit
Families still broken from stones thrown
I think we're missing it

Writing is Hard

I have avoided this for a while.
I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to write.
I wanted to hide.

Writing is hard.
Sometimes the words won't come.
Sometimes they don't feel right.
But that's not why.

Some can write about far off ideas and place.
I can't.
I have to write about what I feel, what I see.

That's why writing is hard.
I can't hide in my words.
I can only pour out my soul, with every word.
I have to lay bare my deepest thoughts.

It's not only hard, it's scary.
It's the most vulnerable thing I do.
I hate being vulnerable.

I have learned something trying this approach.
When you try to hold everything in you end up empty.
I am tired of empty.
I am tired of hiding.

I start this adventure anew.
I am not sure what it will hold.
I am not sure where it will go.

I would rather be judged for who I am,
then die without ever being known.
Darkness cannot survive in the light.
Hatred cannot survive in love.

Freedom to Laugh and Cry

This weekend I was told that I had a great laugh and was given the compliment that I am never afraid to laugh. These were such beautiful comments and I appreciate them greatly. It is true I love to laugh, I purposefully watch funny Youtube videos so that I can get at least one laugh in a day. But this is only part of the story.
As some people know I have struggled with clinical depression for a large majority of life and it is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of to this day.  With depression, many people think that it is just being sad all of the time. That is part of it, I definitely felt sad at times. There is also so much more, there is an overwhelming numbness that you feel to all emotions, you lose interest in the people and things that you love, and it really a scary place to be. For years of my life, I had to force laughter in moments I knew should be funny so that no one would notice and no one would ask why I wasn't acting normal. More than that I lost the ability to genuinely cry as well. I still cried, but for myself and only myself. I couldn't feel compassion or joy for other people. I learned how to function as a normal person, but it was just a mask. As much as I longed to feel and live life to the fullest depression was robbing me of it. Some people call it smiling depression, it's dealing with it on the inside, but hiding it on the outside. Even the people who appear the happiest, can be the ones fighting for their life on the inside. Anyone can be dealing with this, don't be afraid to ask someone you think might be struggling. They won't be offended, they will be happy to know someone care.
Back to my story, I was in a very dark place, but I had great friends and family who helped me get help. Now that I have gotten help and I am out of the mire I was in, I try to laugh and cry at least once a day. This probably seems forced or just plain weird to some people, but now that I have the freedom to laugh and cry I want that experience every chance I can. So thank you to the people who help me laugh and make me cry, and really everyone who helps me feel anything at all. If anyone wants to share stories that have made them laugh or cry, or about depression I am always here to listen!

One Week In

So I have been in my Masters of Clinical Counseling program for one week now. Most of this week we had our orientation. Four days of 9-5 sessions. We learned things from the counseling microskills to licensure laws. It was a full experience. At the very beginning it was not what I expected, I thought there would be 12-20 people there, but there was only two of us. Honestly at that point I wanted to turn and run. I knew that with only two that I couldn't hide. I am a person who likes to stay silent in a group, I know that I could add things, but I just don't like to. I also knew that I couldn't run and leave this person to face it alone.
I am so glad I stuck around. We were able to learn about each other and about ourselves. Each day started out with meditation and though it was not what I was used to it was a wonderful way to meditate on God's goodness first thing in the morning. After that we learned how to ask open and closed question, reflect meaning, paraphrase, use minimal encouragers, and to not creep people out with eye contact. It was a very stretching experience I have to trust my instructor and partner. I will totally use these in normal conversation so be prepared.
The best part was group therapy. I had my doubts, to say the least, but it was an eye opening experience. I was able to share and to support others in sharing it was an exchange of emotions and experiences that I would have never guessed would happen. We were able to talk about faith and family and how to get through life. It was a safe place that allowed authentic life to be lived. It was a great opportunity to presence (the practice of being present with the people around you and being actively engaged) with people.
Overall though I am exhausted and ready for my schedule to be normal again I am very glad I have started down this road. I know it will be hard and there will be a ton of homework (some of which I am currently avoiding) I know that I will be a better person, a better son, a better brother, and better friend when it's all said and done.

Reflections

Not even sure what this is, beside my thoughts on life. As always welcome to thoughts.

Independent
Separated, but safe
A zone of comfort
But dying

The storm comes
My shield crumbles
Exposed now
Fractured

Pain again
Dangling at cliff's edge
Barely holding
Slipping

The pressure shatters
A million pieces
Never whole again
Worthless

The life, the death, the Savior

The lies shatter
A mosaic revealed
A different whole
Made worthy

Pain again
To the edge of self
Being held
Saved

The torrent unleashed
In the shadow of the cross
Walls gone
Freed

Dependent
Connected and secure
The comfort is gone
But alive

A Stake in the Ground

This week is something of a milestone. This week I will finish my first full workout plan, I have been at it 3 months. It has been quite a journey of highs and lows. I have felt moments of triumph doing things that I thought physically unattainable. And I have had moments of failure giving into momentary temptation instead of holding to the reasons I started this. I started this journey at 290 pounds and now I am down to 270, it feels like quite and accomplishment, but I am no where near where I want to be. I am stronger and faster and I can go further that I thought I could. I was worried that it would be hard to reach this point, I wasn't sure I would still have sight of my goals. I was wrong, my goals get clearer and stronger each day.

My first goal is to live a healthier life. I found out just before starting this journey that I had put my body in a precarious situation. I had high cholesterol, was it a major concern? Right then, no it wasn't yet an issue. It could become one quickly though. Neglecting the needs that God created my body with I had desecrated the one gift that we are all given to start this life. I had taken what should be a temple to the Lord and turned it into a dumping ground for what ever brightly or sugar coated sweet that was with in reach. Taking control of what I was eating has been a great (if not always tasty) change. I am eating when i am hungry and not just because I am bored. I am also eating fruits and vegetables, which before I avoid most of all of God's creations.

My second goal is to be able to do the fun things I want to. I had reach a point where even a flight of stairs could wind me and running was out of the question (unless it was for the last cookie). I have never been in great shape, but I want that to change. I want to be able to do the fun, athletic thing that I had never done or could no longer do. Though I am no marathoner I can run without feeling like death and I have no fear of playing sports with my friends. Find and sticking to a workout plan has been so hard, but it has been so rewarding. It hurt at first but I have developed a rhythm and am starting to see progress. I have discovered there are days where you just don't want to do it, and those are they days the battle is won. Going more makes going more easier.

My third goal is to look good. Its vain, but it keeps me going even on the days when the other two don't.

That is my update for today, I am currently looking for my next workout and as always on the lookout for new meal prep recipes. I will keep you updated on the progress.

One of my Fantasy Teams

My Next Step

As some of you may have seen I have been accepted to the Masters of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Bellevue University. That in of itself might be post worthy, but the real thing I am posting about is the question that I keep getting asked by everyone who know. "Are you excited?" On the surface that should be an easy question and in the end it is an easy question, but there is a lot rolled up in my emotions about my next step.

So on the surface if you want the short answer, I am excited. This is what I have wanted to do for quite a while now. In the end the answer is yes, I am excited, but I am feel many other things as well. I am nervous, because I really have no idea what to expect. I mean I know what a counselor does, but I don't know what my professors will be like or if I am ready to be back in school. I am eager to learn again, I actually miss lecture (as crazy as that sounds). I am ready to pursue more classes that interest me.

I am also a little terrified. I am scared that I will fall flat on my face. I am scared that I will not be smart enough to do well in my classes. I am happy that I will be able to use what I learn to help people, though I don't know in what capacity or where. I am happy to know that I have a wonderful support system to help me through this. I am uncertain how I will respond or how I should respond when my beliefs are called out in the classes I take and my peers and professors. I am feeling everything and it all seems to be a bit over whelming.

Although on top of and through it all I am excited. I am excited that I am scared and nervous, because it will make me have to trust God for my sufficiency and my strength. I am excited to face the uncertainty on having my beliefs criticized because it will allow me to hold true and deepen the convictions that God has given me. I am excited to step out in faith and have God establish and direct where my foot will land. I am excited for this next step.

Picture borrowed from http://www.careerocean.com/wordclouds/mental-health-counselor.jpg

Humanity

This word can be used to describe the human race as a whole or it can be used to describe the humanness and benevolence that humans can display. This word has been a wonder to me for a while now. The idea that this word can hold such high praise for humans while we are capable of such terrible things.

The word humanity has become a sort of social contract that we will treat each other with the decency we would like in return. Although so often this is broken by hatred and bigotry. The world seems like it is at a breaking point, that we are on the cusp of an all out attack on one another. I disagree this lack of humanity is what we have always been marked by. Though we have hidden it in different ways we have always been oppressing and destroying those we feel are against to us since Cain killed Abel. Through wars and conquest and destroying the cultural identity of others through various means.

Some would readily agree with me, especially those students of history who can cite hatred and destruction. There are those who would immediately oppose me rationalizing their actions and the actions of the past with religion, political stance, or by some imbued right. I don't believe that any of religion or political stance should be used as a means of hatred.

Religion and faith in the Creator should be the reason that we reach out to the poor and oppressed, the reason we care for the widows and orphans. We are not imbued with the right to judge the rest of humanity and execute that judgement. We are emissaries of love, compassion, and reconciliation. We are also vanguards against those who would twist true religious for power and personal gain.

Government is our own creation and it should be used to protect and govern those of different backgrounds and origins. It should not be used as weapons of oppression and destruction. Especially those of us in America, our government was created by the people for the people, all people. It has taken us a while to finally reach a point where at least on the surface we are all represented, but moving forward we can demand protection of all.

It may seem that I have lost hope in humanity, but it is the opposite I have even more hope for humanity in these times that seem dark. We are made in the image of the Creator and he has imbued us with the ability to care for those around us. Those of us redeemed are even more able to show love and compassion to the broken and downtrodden. We have the opportunity to be a voice for the voiceless and the oppressed. To stand up for those who share the title of human. Often I believe we focus on how different we are when all it takes to love is to remember what we have in common. We all love and want to be love, we all feel: happiness, sadness, joy, and defeat and, we all want to live life to the fullest. We are creations of God.

My hope is that, in this time of instant communication and information, we will not be overwhelmed by the evil and atrocities in the world, but that we will overwhelm them with love, compassion, and humanity.

Reading

Reading is magical.

For a long time I have know that books are the portals to worlds unseen. They provide the ability to see things that no longer exist or have never existed. They lets you see the most interesting of people and walk in the shoes of people very different from you. They let you escape the world around you with its stress and worries.

Though all of these things are great this is not why books are magical. Books are magical because of the affect they have on our outlook. Once you have started reading books that differ from your experiences parts of you start to grow: your imagination, you sense of wonder, your creativity. While this is happening parts of you also start to die: your bigotry, your xenophobia, you narrow world view.

 A well read person will always struggle to be closed minded unless they give up reading.

The Writing Process

Words come hard in a way
Like molasses on a cold day
The pull between truth and ease
And who am I trying to please

To lay bare my soul for all to see
To say how I feel and be free
But really I just want to hide
To seek comfort on the safe side

Reaching the limit of sharing
My deficiencies are glaring
Fighting to move out of my zone
But will the truth leave me alone

Petrified by powerful fear
Is this a hurdle I can clear...

Tattoos

I often get asked questions about my tattoos and tattoos in general. Some I get often are why did you get that? What will happen if you change your mind and don't like them? And the ever famous how much did it hurt? Today will just be a few answers to commonly asked questions about tattoos. I got the list of questions from Ella Ceron's article on Thought Catalog, but the answers are all my own. If anyone has more questions feel free to ask!

1. Did it hurt?

This question generally irritates me, because lets face it when someone is repeatedly stabbing you with a needle it is going to hurt to one degree or another. Better questions is how much did it hurt or how would you describe the pain? The best way to give you an idea of how much it hurts is to pinch yourself where you want the tattoo, and then do it about 20 more times. You get numb eventually, but it wont tickle to start off with. The way I would describe the pain is a warm sensation with occasional pinches. The pain also depends how close you are to a bone, bones hurt, but most people have the pain tolerance for tattoos.

2. Don’t you regret them? 

Be warned you will probably piss off whoever you are asking. We are sick of this question. For the most part we have thought about what we want to get for quite a while and there is a reason we got it. There are some people who regret their tattoos, but most of those include alcohol or heartbreak. Personally I will never regret any of my tattoos, because regardless of whether I like them forever they are the physical representation of memories and they represent who I was when I got them.

3. Don’t you respect yourself?

Yes I do, but from that question I am guessing you don't respect me. That is okay in my book. A similar question Christians get to this question is "Do you think your tattoo is sin?" No I don't because Leviticus 19:28 is in reference to gashing yourselves. It was not the same as tattoos today. It was a cultural law that was protecting the people of Israel from dying from infection. And in Revelation 19:16 Jesus has King of Kings and Lord of Lords tattooed on his thigh.

4. How are you going to feel about them when you’re old?

I am pretty sure that I will think they are as awesome as I do now. They may fade and look different with time, but that is okay. Personally I think it will be really cool to have a generation of grandparents that are all tatted up. And like I said before my tattoos are milestones for my life, I am excited to have them when I am old so that I can't forget the full adventurous life I have lived!

5. Does that mean you only date other people with tattoos?

Hahaha no, but it is definitely a perk. :)

6. But what does it mean?

This is probably the most dreaded question that I get. Not because I don't like sharing, I don and I knew it would happen when I got a tattoo. The reason I hate it is because people only half care, they want the 30 second teaser of the story. If you ask this question please be prepared to hear the whole story and the heart behind it, otherwise just don't ask. For you teaser people out there here are the short stories about my tattoos. I currently have two, though that will soon change. The first one I got is a anatomical heart composed of the words of 1st Thessalonians 2:8 and it is positioned over my heart. I got this because I want this verse to be at the heart of everything I do, I want it to be the very fiber of my heart. The second one I have is a iceberg in a diamond shaped box. I got this as a reminder to myself that when I meat someone I only see the top 10% and I have no right to judge them by it and a reminder to others to do the same for me.

7. How much did you pay for that?

This question offends some people, but for me I don't really care. It does depend heavily on how its asked. If there is even a hint of condensation it quickly because anger invoking.

8. What do your parents think about them?

Well I have great parents. Mom thought they were cool right away. Dad was a little slower to warm up to the idea. They both are pretty on board with them now. I can say the same for everyone I know. I have some family members who still aren't huge fans of tattoos. Overall the thing is though I am 25, I am a mostly functioning adult and have been for a while, it doesn't really matter what my parents think and its none of your business. Once again for the record they thing they are great.

9. Would you ever get them removed?

No, unless I had to for some medical reason. One it is very expensive and can be as painful as getting it done. Like I said earlier I love my tattoos and they are a part of who I am and they are a reminder of who I have been. I am going to keep mine, unless I have a really cool idea for a new one and one of my old ones is in the way. Okay probably not, but that is the only way.

Questions borrowed from http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2013/12/the-9-most-common-questions-people-with-tattoos-get-asked/ .

Dear Younger Me...

Dear 2005 me,

You just started a new school and you don't feel like you fit in or have any friends, trust me high school gets better. This is you chance to be who you want to be, don't let anything hold you back from trying new things. I know this is hard, but don't let others define you not with praise or lack there of. You are not as good as your hype and you are not as bad as your criticism. You will make some friends and you will have fun. Be nice to people, not because you will need anything from them, but just because it is the right thing to do. And please remember that people care about you and you aren't in this world alone. You will get through it and it gets better from there on out, see you in 11 years.



Dear 2009 me,

Though I know this will deaf ears I will try none the less. You are about to start college and I know how you are feeling. You feel like you didn't live life to the fullest in high school.  And now you are going to try to wash away your morals, your religion, your family, and your feelings away with alcohol and drugs. Heads up try as you might it won't work. But don't worry that won't last long. You will have your life changed and make friends that will last you a lifetime. This new life is going to take you places you never expected, so get excited. Things won't always be easy and you are going to have some dark times, but remember people love you and you are not alone. You are going to have adventures and love it. It won't last forever so don't miss out because you are tired or lazy. There will soon come a time when you want to do things and there aren't crazy things happening constantly. Enjoy it and see you in seven years.



Dear 2013 me,

Dude you are about to start student teaching. Fair warning you are not going to enjoy it and you will figure out that teaching isn't for you, but that is okay we wouldn't trade college for anything. You have just seen your life change over the past four years, and it won't stop there. And sorry it doesn't get easier. Soon things are going to happen that are going to be so heart breaking that you will shut down. If I thought you would listen (I know you won't we are still stubborn) I would tell you to reach out when the pain strikes, don't hide it away. You are going to feel directionless, but God has so much in store for you and he knows exactly where you need to be. It is going to take you longer to get there than you would like, but we will get there. Its not all doom and gloom you will make even more new friends and you will figure out that no one knows what is going on. You will be okay, trust me. See you in three years.



Dear 2020 me,

We have come through a lot so far and I can't even imagine what you have seen that is in store for me. I am excited to see what is coming. I am still struggling with stuff, but I know that God has a plan and all of this will make sense either this side of eternity or the next. I know that I have great friends and that I will make even more. I hope you are still keeping in touch with them, you aren't too busy and it isn't a hassle. You had better still be relying on the Lord for everything and realizing that even if things are hard with Him they are harder without and we have seen the evidence of that. Remember that if you aren't where people say you should be you are right where God wants you. Remember to have fun no matter what. You are never too stressed, too broke, too busy, or too anything to have a good laugh and do something crazy. Well Mr. 2020 good luck I am sure the world is a very different place. Have fun and see you in four years

April Resolution (Revisited)

So I know it is already the sixth of April, but I have finally decided what I am resolving to do this month. Continuing in the theme of self improvement I have a two part resolution.

The first part will be to learn how to and implement meal planning. Today I went to the grocery story and bought enough supplies to make meals for the next 10 days. It was an eye opening experience, I bought mostly veggies and lean meat and fruit and I spent far less than I usually do. I am excited to go home tonight and prepare these meals.

The second part is I am going to read a new book that I ordered call A Hobbit, a Wardrobe, and a Great War: How J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis Rediscovered Faith, Friendship, and Heroism in the Cataclysm of 1914-1918 by Joseph Loconate. I am very excited for this book because it delves into the lives of two of my favorite authors and looks at their faith and inspiration. Later in the month after I finish the book I will give you a full run down of what I think.

Glad that is decided. Have a Happy Wednesday!

Jeep or Bike

This post is going to be far less deep than what I usually write, but this is what is on my mind today.

So the above picture is the ideal, this is the combo I want a jeep with all-terrain bike(probably a dual sport bike) in the back. However, because I need to be somewhat fiscally responsible I will only get one. They both promote and outdoor life. They inspire adventure and exploration and just good honest fun. They both have pros and cons that the other one doesn't. So lets look the pros and cons for me:

Pros:

Versatile all terrain vehicle 

Possible to use in all types of weather

Decent for long trips

Room to haul anything from camping supplies to a motorcycle

Able to talk with people riding with you

Fun to drive around in

Rugged and durable

Cons:

Not great gas mileage 

Higher cost than a bike

Not the easiest to get into for all people

Pros:

Versatile from road to off road

Great gas mileage

Fun activity to do with people

A different form of transit than 4 wheel vehicles

Can park almost any where

Easy to maneuver  

Cheaper than a Jeep

Cons:

Not ideal for long trips

Very little hauling capacity

Need to take the class and get my license 

So this is where I am at so far. I am still at an impasse on which would be the better purchase or which I would enjoy more.

I am open to suggestions and comments especially from people who have one or the other. Even better if you have both!

Lifeboats

I knew this was going to be a bad weekend. I could feel it coming on and I could feel the darkness slipping lies into my heart. I knew that unabated I would be prone to lash outs in either anger or anguish. I knew I was vulnerable so that was why I was so excited to be able to have friends around me.

I have the frame work to deal with these situations when they arise. I am able to identify the triggering events. I am able identify the lies that the enemy infects me with. And I am able replace them with the truth the is found in the gospel. I know how to do all of these things, but I don't always have the strength to do them.

That's where wonderful friends come in. Friends who remind me of who I am and of the hope that I have. They show me that I am loved and that I have purpose in life. They allow me to see the good in the world and to shed light on the shadows. They help me have fun and remember that life isn't as serious as I make it out to be. My friends are my strength. And they do it all without even knowing it.

This weekend great, it was full of games, unhealthy food, a terrible movie, and a little yard work. It was exactly what I needed. I was able to focus on other things, while also having plenty of time to internally process things in a safe, loving environment. I still came close to lashing out, but with their help I was able to hold it at bay and understand why I was feeling these ways.

My friends are lifeboats whenever I need them. Thanks Jay, Claire, and David.

Farmer Finn

A simple farmer plows away
Doing about the same each day
Sometimes he must go into town
Same plan, same goods, same road to walk down

A dear sweet wife he has named Jane
He loves her dearly though some call her plain
He has hope of a life to put her at ease
Able to give her whatever to please

As he walk it starts to rain
He knows the water could ruin the grain
So up the way he finds a cave
Hes never been in but he can be brave

He settles in as the rain gets worse
As he sits his ear hear an unearthly verse
Not sure what it might be, he explores
He starts to see light on the ceiling and floors

The music draws him as a sirens call
Faster he goes over obstacle and all
Then he sees whats calling out
Its what hes wanted with no doubt

The golden hilt encrusted with jewels
The power to conquer in this beautiful tool
Taking it in his hands he sees what could be
This sword could give him all that he sees

The power, the riches, the fame, the glory
The very ability to rewrite his story
Along with this he saw what he would lose
All of this or his wife, he must choose

The rain has stopped, the grain still good
He trades the wheat and sells the wood
The day is done, and no more rain
He heads home to see his Jane

Refined

Rugged and unrefined
In impurity, we are mined
Taken while we still sin
Our own salvation trying to win

This way we do not stay
When at His feet our life we lay
A hunk of ore waiting for a master
Unlimited in the hands of a caster

A flame hotter than any before
Feeling unstable from crust to core
A life saved thrown into upheaval
Laying plain our hidden evil

Through pain and loss, ourselves revealed
Deepest secrets and wounds unsealed
Molten through the heat and fire
Slag exposed, more refining required

Liquid to solid, the shine made clear
Purer now, the change sincere
Receiving closure as injuries heal
Better than before but not yet ideal

Monster Within

Tethered to a monster on the day of light
Always it will try to steal your fight
With you as a shadow until death
When you greet eternity at last breath

At first it is wild as a feral dog
Favoring attack and forgoing dialogue
Ripping and enticing, then running away
Assaults and temptations coming night or day

Further you grow and longer you walk
Truth is your guide, leaning on the Rock
Learning the roads protected from the beast
Serving the King by being the least

But the monster learns and grows as well
Refining its methods, your doubt it can smell
Forgoing the wild, brazen onslaught
Focused and precise like a sniper's gunshot

Putting on the armor that shores up holes
Learning how to operate life's controls
Sharing the light that has grown within
Gaining wisdom to choose right over sin

The enemy now skilled as any lawyer
Just needing words to be a destroyer
Showing you your failure and weakness
Requiring nothing but unending bleakness

The enemies most deadly and desperate skin
But you can now tap the power within
The cleansing and pure Spirit of God
The Flesh defeated, His salvation we'll laud

April Resolution

I have commitment issues so I decided not to make a new year resolution. Instead I decided to make 12 New Month Resolution. So far they have went okay. For January I resolved to join a gym and try to eat healthier. I did join a gym but that is where that resolution died. In February I wanted to learn three new things. I succeeded in that I learned a new test at work. I learned to knit. And I also learned somethings about myself. Then in March I renewed my January resolution and this time is was a success. I have made it to the gym 5-6 days a week for the last month and I have improved my diet drastically.

So now that I am reaching the end of yet another month it is time to decide on a new resolution. I tried Googling good resolution, but I came up with no solid ideas. I got the common ones, improve yourself, improve your finances, and to make a major life change. All of these however are pretty vague and don't really fit. So now I am on the quest for another resolution. For anyone reading this I am open to suggestions. I however make no promises to use anything suggested. I have seen the disasters of things left up to the internet to decide. If you need proof just Google Boaty McBoatface.

Getting in the Rhythm

So an update on my goals. I have been going to the gym (Omaha Barebell) 6 days a week for about a month now and I seem to be in a rhythm. Its not easy by any means, but it is normal to go regardless of if I want to or not. The workouts I am doing just got switch up again and I am trying to get used to them. I just started using a new preworkout that I am really liking. Pre-Jym check it out. I have found my time I like to go, past 8 is when the gym is the emptiest. I workout at the same time as some other guys I am getting to know. Now that the newness is worn off it isn't a high that I am working on anymore, but this just being a part of life is better. I have even started to feel stronger and see results. I love my gym and the time I spend there.

I think staying committed to going to the gym is simply making it a part of your life and remembering why you started this in the first place.

Oh the Places I Would Go

(per a suggestion by Grant Sundberg)

I have spent many hours dreaming of exotic places and far off location to travel to some day. Many places have crossed my imagination from tropical paradises, arctic tundras, planets of fiction, and even right around the corner. Picking a top ten will be challenging, but here goes nothing. These are in no particular order.

Angkor Wat
Angkor Wat has long held my fascination. The history that it has been part of and the lives that it has seen could fill books upon books. Places like this hold the weight of history and culture. This massive Hindu temple was created under one of the great empires of history. The legend holds that it was created in one night by a divine architect, while I doubt the validity of this it is something that I must see with my own eyes before I die.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Hogwarts, located in the Highlands of Scotland and has been the premiere educational institution of magic for young witches and wizards for over 10 centuries. Besides being picturesque with its towers and stone work, it has also seen some of the greatest witches and wizards to ever walk the earth. Hogwarts makes my list because of the history, world class education system, and the chance to catch a Quidditch game on a clear day.

Berlin, Germany November 9th 1989
The destruction of the Berlin wall was a symbol of oppression and communism. The wall was the physical representation of restricted travel and communication between Russian controlled Eastern Europe and Western Europe. It was also a major step in the ending of the Cold War. This event makes my list because it was a a pivotal point for Europe and a major event in human history.

Gallifrey 
The great home world of the Time Lords, the watchers of the universe. To visit the plant of the people who perfected time travel and created unbelievable gadgets (my favorite being the sonic screwdriver and the chameleon circuit) would be mind blowing. To see the battle grounds of the time war and to walk where the greatest of their warriors walked would be the best trip I could hope for. All of these things and the slim chance to meet the Doctor is why Gallifrey made the list.

Crater Lake
Crater Lake is one of those place that calls my heart to visit. It is a beautiful display of creation and it would be a wonderful place to commune with God and nature. I would love this to be part of a larger trip of hiking the PCT, but I would take it all by itself as well. This makes the list because of its sheer beauty.

The Moon July 20th 1969
"That's one small step for man, on giant leap for mankind." This would be amazing to be part of. The first time a human stepped foot on a celestial body other than the earth, it had to be breath taking. To step where they stepped, and if I was there I would have only demanded to be 3rd. Lets be serious very few people know who the third man who stepped on The Moon was. So for the universal ramification this event could have it makes the list as well.

My Funeral 
Though some may find this part of the list morbid I do have a good reason for wanting to travel here. I want to travel here so that I can hear the things people are saying about me and if I don't like what I hear then I will be able to change my life accordingly. Just Kidding. I want to be there to make sure everyone who out lasts me shows up and says really nice things, otherwise I will hit them with my cane.

Pamukkale, Turkey
These waterfalls are made of mineral deposits from the natural hot springs. It has long been a religious and cultural spot for many of the people who have inhabited Turkey. The water are said to have many healing properties and are listed as a World Heritage Site. The reason they made the list is well look at them wouldn't you put them on your list too?

Jacksonville Florida The Summer of 2012
There is really no reason that I don't want to go back to Jax this year. I made some great new friends, I deepened friendships I already had, I had an amazing team, and I even some days liked my job. I miss Rita's on the beach, Angies Subs, and Tijuana Flats. I grew and learned more about myself and they way I lead. I was able to see life transformation in the people around me. And I miss the sun and the warmth.

Marianas Trench 
My last entry on the list is my deepest as well. I think there is something poetic about being at the lowest point that is reachable on the earths surface, knowing that wherever you go its all up. It is a great reminder that even the lowest points in life are just the starting points of our next great adventures.

So that is my list of where I would travel to if I could travel anywhere. Have a great day and find your next adventure. 

Death by Indifference

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” ~ Elie Wiesel

In our world, America for sure, we have a small portion of the population that hates intensely. We also have  a small portion of the population that loves as intensely as the other hates.  However the vast majority of our population is indifferent. Recently we have seen both the groups that hate and love become more vocal attempting to cancel each other out. 

Often you hear nothing will change if those who are indifferent don't step up. This is not true things will continue to get worse. Unless those who have forfeited their voice take it back and speak out against the hatred love will never win. 

If everyone chooses to use their voice there will be more added to the hate group, but I think an overwhelming amount would join the side of love. At least I hope so. So take back your voice and show love. 

My Day A-Z

Awake...again.
Breathing, always a plus.
Convincing myself that I really need this job.
Downstairs to find my wallet and keys.
Eating is good but time consuming.
Front door slamming behind me.
Got to work just in time.
Helping people and answer stupid questions.
Imagining myself in a hammock somewhere else.
Journaling and reading The Word.
Killing time before lunch.
Lunch :)
Making my steps around the building.
Needing a nap, but lunch is over.
Oh my a monkey could do my job.
Peace in unexpected moments.
Questioning my choice of going to college.
Relief that I get to leave soon.
Slow commute home.
Throwing things together for supper.
Up and off to the gym.
Varied lifts to slim down and build muscle.
Wash off in the shower.
X-ing off episodes on my Netflix watch list.
Yawning because its almost 9 pm.
Zzzzzzzz