I have thought about what I would say to you if could for quite some time. Many times it is just a string of expletives, but that is when you have me by the throat. It's those moments that my feelings are a mixture of fear and hatred. When I am able to hold you off though its more curiosity. You are the greatest mystery in my life. You are the constant unknown and the reason that planning is hard. It may seem weird to be writing to you, to an idea. To me, however, you are much more. I can see you and you look like me. Not entirely, though, you have dark circles under your bloodshot eyes. Your hair stands on end like mine does when I run my fingers through it too much. You seem to tower over me, but your back bent like you carry the weight of a thousand people's worries. You mumble constantly spinning tales of horrible possibilities and you don't seem to have a grasp on reality. At times you are as imposing as a mountain, but sometimes weaker than a gust of wind.
Maybe you don't understand what you do to me, maybe its just part of who you are. Let me tell you about the hell that you have put me through. I can have plans with friends, plans I am excited for with friends whom I love and you ruin them. You make me questions everything. Will there be too many people? Will there be too few? Will I hate it? And these are the benign ones. The terrible ones are more like this. Do my friends want me there? Do they even like me? Do I even matter? Before long there aren't even questions anymore just terrible thoughts and pictures in my head. I start to lose my grip on reality. I start to hyperventilate. I feel like the world is crashing in around me. I feel weak and dizzy. You ruin my plans because I can't do anything after that.
You make school so challenging. I will try doing an assignment that I am more than capable of doing well, but you take one stray thought and run with it. It starts with questioning one tiny part of my assignment, but then you make me questions if I can really do this assignment at all. You make me question if I am just faking it. I ask if I should really be in grad school at all. Then you convince me that I will never be qualified to finish. That I will never have a successful life. That I will be a disappointment to my family and friends. That I will fail at life. When it all comes at once, another panic attack grips me. And the worst part is I know that you are lying. I know I shouldn't believe you, but the hold that you have takes over.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, you can ruin any situation and make me look like a freak that can't function. You can keep me up all night freaked out about the way I said an off-handed comment. You make life harder to live. I want to understand how you do this, it makes no sense. You are like the doorway to doubt and worry that I cannot close sometimes. If I could talk to you face to face I would ask you why. Why me? Why during the times when you are least welcome? I have realized though that you are misery and you long company. Though there are times that I cannot resist you, I am going to fight tooth and nail against you when I can.
There are times when I can take you by the throat and stop you. Those times are few, but they happen more often all the time. For as big of a jackass as you are you are losing your effectiveness. And I will continue to do whatever I can to get rid of you for good. Not just that I am going to work to make sure that you leave others alone as well. No one wants you around, no one likes the way you make them feel. So not only am I going to work to undo the pain you inflict, I am actively going to work to destroy you. Wipe you from society. Make you nothing more than a faint memory in the minds of those liberated from your hold.
I will win. You will lose. This is a termination of our relationship. Don't come back.
Never yours again,
-Jared
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