Golden Leaves

Looking for a place to get away and read alone, together. Around the placid lake watching men and women spending the day fishing. In the cradle of mountains crowned with evergreens and aspens, the lake reflects the hopes and dreams of a new day. The fields of waist-high golden grasses cover up the marshy ground that wreaths the lake. It is the pinnacle of fall. The main attraction is the aspens that are burning up in golden fire. Though the leaves change every year in all the places I have lived there is magic whispering through these leaves that is unlike any other. We stop at a site where we can easily enter the golden wood. The final hurdle to adventure is a deceptively wide stream forded only by fallen limbs and smooth slippery stones.

 

After crossing with the grace of beached whale we finally start to wander in the trees surrounded by a carpet of leaves and pine needles. The light filters through the canopy in rays of  dusty sun. Trails meander to the right and left in ever dividing paths to the future. He wanders ahead scouting out an ideal spot. Following currents of autumn breezes along water rutted deer paths. The wood is full of flittering birds and curious squirrels, but the outside world is never far away with jets full of strangers flying overhead. Closer at hand dogs barking and engines revving try to break the mystery, but some magics are stronger than modern life. The amber waves and purple majesty engulfs us and draws us deeper.

 

In the forest, we find structures of wood, shelters that could have been created yesterday or decades ago. This place feels like it is between time and between worlds. The sun on our skin and the chill in the air balance each other in harmony. This day feels like a gift from the Father, and nothing dissuades that belief. Finding a place to relax into, backs against trees sitting on the yellow floor. In our own worlds, but in a world together. With book in hand, I open myself to the scene around me, letting it read me and reading it in return. I feel at peace with the world around helping me find peace in my soul. I feel content in a way that is only possible when you know it cannot last. Knowing that if this were the norm the magic would fade and the peace would break. Then we read.

 

The words help me relax, but also challenge me to reflect. Not only to reflect on myself, but on humanity and my place in it. Understanding the brokenness I so often find in myself and realizing that it is the puzzle pieces that help me fit in the lives of those closest to me. It is also the jagged shards that I use to keep others at bay. Both often seen most clearly in relating to the people I love. In this, I find hope, knowing that if I am ever strong enough to lay down my weapons they may someday become the ties that bind me to others. Grasping again that it is in weakness that we can find closeness. And that walls build to keep us safe are really our undoing, separating us further and further from the brokenness that makes us whole.

 

We awaken from the Salinas Valley as the light shifts through the trees and the hour of departure nears. Getting up shaking a bit of the peace and magic from our bones we start to step back into our time and our world. Heading back we see the world from the opposite direction, leading us down new possibilities. Some tracts appearing familiar, but the trees want us to stay and confuse our path.  He takes the lead and I follow where he goes. Trekking up and down the light continues to change.  Reassuringly we finally hear rushing water. Fording the river this time involves dipping toes in the mountain stream. Still unsure of which way to go our walk extends. Eventually, we find our means of deliverance and return to the modern world. It was a perfect afternoon among the golden leaves.

In The Room

I stand in a room.

The room is not new, nor am I new to it.

I just, for the first time or maybe not, realize that I am in a room and that the room is not the whole world.

It is my whole world though. I started building the walls to create a place that I could call my own, a place that would be special and unique. I had plans for great and marvelous things. At some point along the way, I started listening to others.

They told me that my walls were built wrong. They showed me hot to build walls. After so many years of their lies, my walls were as they told me the should be. My own designs were forgotten. My walls now all-encompassing, unyielding, and absolute. Built with vanity, pride, and shame.

In this room, there is a window. I am standing directly in front of it. It is covered in blinds. These blinds look shut tight. On the blinds is painted the most horrible picture. I think I painted it. The others told me of the horrors of the outside and that I should never open the blinds. They told me that truth and reality were in the room that I built and in nothing else.

I painted the picture to remind me of what was beyond. To remind me to stay where it was good and hide from the pain of beyond.

But...

But this room isn't good. I don't like it, actually I hate it. It numbs me to everything and constantly feeds me new lies.

I look again at the blinds, but this time they don't seem as tightly shut. I can see a light coming through. I take a step to the side to get a new angle and the light coming through becomes a blinding brilliance.

I cover my eyes in pain. I think that maybe it is dangerous out there and this is the pain the others told me of. But I already made the step, I have to see what is outside. My curiosity won't let me keep my eyes covered.

I finally uncover my eyes, its bright, but they start to adjust. I gasp, I have never seen such beauty. The colors are more than I could have ever imagined. I longed to be out there, but what if, for all its beauty, it wasn't safe?

But the longer I looked I saw people. They didn't look in pain, they looked free and filled with joy.

I had seen enough, I wanted to be out of the room, I wanted to be free.

Taking a step back in the room to find a means of escape, I stopped short. The room had changed.

No...

No, the room was the same. For the first time, however, I could see it as it truly was.

The room that I had built, that I had lived in, that I had felt so safe in, was the horror. The walls were built from deception, exploitation, and all of the filth from which I was trying to hide. I wanted to be sick. The light has revealed the depravity of my walls, but it also illuminated the door. 

Once I saw it I knew I must run for it. For if I stayed in the room much longer I would forget again. Trading sight for false security.

I ran emboldened by the truth I saw, I got to the door and I saw that it was locked. I was terrified that someone was trapping me in here. I looked again though and saw that it locked from the inside. I had been keeping myself in. I struggled with the lock, it was rusty since it had never been used. I got it open though, and I opened the door. I ran through into the dazzeling light.

I was free. Indeed I was free.

Intro Story

The traitor knelt before the queen. His words all spent and his sovereign left unconvinced. The queen, young to be on the throne, was trying to show the calm resolve of her mother, but the entire court knew that she would cry over the decision to execute the man before her. Kasi or rather Queen Kassandra since her mother died was trying her best.
“Austin, take this man to the dungeon we will execute him after the festival ends in three days’ time,” Kasi ordered with only the slightest waver in her voice.
“Yes, ma’am. I will put him in one of the dark cells scum like this doesn’t deserve to see the sun.” Austin gladly responded as he grabbed the prisoner. Since taking over from Aaron as captain of the guard, he had been eagerly following every order with the utmost efficiency.
Then again Austin had always valued efficiency. Since the early days playing games of wit against Aaron, he could never see how it could be advantageous to give a little to gain so much more. But he has time to grow he is barely into his 24th year. Aaron though retired was still teaching him and challenging him to games. Honestly, that seems to be most of what Aaron does these days with many of the castles youth. Youth who should be work, might I add.
Two if the worst were Luke and Andrew. Those two each have a half of a single brain. They aren’t the brightest, but even more than that they seem to have the same bad idea at the same time. And where one is getting in trouble the other one is nearby trying to avoid getting caught as well. Aaron has been a somewhat leveling effect on them, but I know before long they will disappear. Then sometime later a letter will arrive at the castle saying that they are either dead or have somehow taken over a hostile barbaric kingdom. Regardless, with the morning unpleasantries done preparation for the evening's feast continued.

“Welcome, friends, family, and distinguished dignitaries from near and far! We are gathered on the anniversary of the treaty that ended the war that plagued our lands for generations! We now have the ruling council on which all the kings and queens of the nations sit that works in tandem with the Parliament to govern and care for all of our peoples. Through these efforts a unified legal and justice system has been established! We operated with regulated commerce laws, roads, and currency. We are in the early stages of a time of unprecedented prosperity! As high queen this year on the ruling council, along with the high judge of the Parliament Braden we would like to welcome you to the feast! In addition to our feast here there are feasts being hosted all around the city that anyone may attend. Eat, drink, and be merry!” High Queen Kassandra welcomed them, exactly as they had practiced. She hated speeches. She memorized everyone she had to give so that she wouldn’t stumble over her words. On the outside, she was the picture of a queen, but on the inside, only her closest advisors knew she was terrified.
“Well, the poor girl is in way over her heard” Teri commented as she slipped out of the shadows.
Derek jumped only slightly at her voice as he has grown accustomed to her uncommon ability to appear where ever and whenever she liked with barely a sound.
“Well, I don’t know she gave her speech confidently enough.” Derek offered.
“You know as well as I do that it’s just a front.” Teri retorted.
“Yeah I know, so did you find anything interesting in the library? I assume that is where you have been since we arrived.”
“You know me well my dear. I found a book on the 12 uses of dragon’s blood. I have a few that I would add, but there are some I hadn’t considered before.”
“While that is interesting, not quite what I was referring too. Did you find anything relevant to the reason we have traveled so far?”
“Nothing terrible helpful, but I sent the kid to visit the master clerk’s office and the royal hall of records”
“I am sure he will—
“Ambassadors Derek and Teri! Our favorite people from the Grelenian Forests!” High Judge Braden bellowed.
“Greeting High Judge” Teri and Derek responded in unison.
“Oh no need to be so formal, we are all friends here!”
“Of course we are….” Teri whispered just loud enough for Derek to hear. Derek ever the diplomat smiled at his wife’s comment, which Braden misconstrued as a warm greeting.
As Braden was about to bore them with important matters of state a commotion arose in the back of the hall near the doors. Using this as a legitimate means of escape, Teri and Derek slipped over to see what the cause was.
Also looking into the commotion was Patrick, master of communications for the kingdom. While master of communication was his proper title his other service to the crown was far more interesting. Patrick was the head of the royal spy network. As a result, Patrick knew all the goings on in nearly the entire kingdom. For example within a few minutes, part of his network will report to him that Dawson, son of the Grelenian ambassadors was thought to be seen in the master clerk’s office, but disappeared before anyone could confirm.
When Patrick saw who was causing the commotion he rolled his eyes. Connor, or whatever he was going by tonight, was standing on the table reciting poetry. He always seemed to be both, right where he needed to be and where he was most unwanted.
“…kingdom thought whole.
Where a queen will lose her soul.
Darkness breeds and division grows strong.
A night may fall we will know before long.
Where chaos reigns when Parliament falls.
And all will weep, and death will—“ Connor belted while accompanying himself on the lyre.
“GET THAT MAN!” Austin screamed. Patrick just rolled his eyes again. He knew well enough that Connor could do no real harm, but them no one could really get the reason for decorum across to any of the palace guards.
In the commotion, Dawson slipped in, nearly as quiet as his mother, but he only inherited part of the gift.
“I got what we need,” Dawson said.
“Good we should take this distraction to slip away,” Derek responded.
“Everyone! Everyone! Please calm down! There is no need for the commotion. Please return to your conversations. Ignore the ravings of a man who has clearly had too much to drink.” Brett tried to calm down the crowd. Brett the ever faithful steward of the king. In all honesty, he is the only reason the kingdom didn’t fall apart when the queen died.
After that, the evening continues much like parties of that nature usually do. State secrets were traded and alliances made. But everyone who had heard the bard’s words remembers them. Many had been barely listening, but now they could hardly think of anything else. Was the alliance in danger? How would the queen lose her soul? Was the Parliament to be trusted? Everyone left that night unsettled and wondering.

Steam Rising (Musings on Insomnia)

Steam rising at dusk's embrace.

The moon looks down on the silent world. Keeping watch over the hidden workings of night owls and specters. The coming and going of those ignored by the light of day. Forgotten by the watching world, unheard in their whispers with the moon.

I enter this sacred space and revel in the peace that can only be attained in the embrace of the evening. When the anxiety of life seeps into the moment between and my thoughts fire over and over, I long for rescue and restoration.

Steam rising in the middle of the night.

Fitful sleep flees from my grasp. Dreams and nightmares war again, no victims but my sanity. As the night lingers on I wander the halls like a shade of the mists. Searching, seeking for something that simply fades away.

The object of my longing as ethereal as the thoughts conflicting above. A clear path eludes me as I drift between reality and midnight musings. I cannot begin to grasp where mind and body end. Reliving the highs and lows of the sun drenched day.

Steam rising in the middle of the night.

The nights embrace weakens around me and the resignation of a sleepless night sets in. The ethereal becomes tangible and the lies of the night are shown the harsh truth of the dawn. I greet the morning with weariness, felt bone deep.

Battle worn I watch the last vestige of night burn away. Forgotten are the desires and the pursuits of moonlit visions. The concrete concerns of waking light return a clarity of mind found only in worry. Another day collecting fatigue before the all consuming embrace night.

Steam rising to the glaring sun.

Dear Anxiety,

Dear Anxiety,

     I have thought about what I would say to you if could for quite some time. Many times it is just a string of expletives, but that is when you have me by the throat. It's those moments that my feelings are a mixture of fear and hatred. When I am able to hold you off though its more curiosity. You are the greatest mystery in my life. You are the constant unknown and the reason that planning is hard. It may seem weird to be writing to you, to an idea. To me, however, you are much more. I can see you and you look like me. Not entirely, though, you have dark circles under your bloodshot eyes. Your hair stands on end like mine does when I run my fingers through it too much. You seem to tower over me, but your back bent like you carry the weight of a thousand people's worries. You mumble constantly spinning tales of horrible possibilities and you don't seem to have a grasp on reality. At times you are as imposing as a mountain, but sometimes weaker than a gust of wind.

     Maybe you don't understand what you do to me, maybe its just part of who you are. Let me tell you about the hell that you have put me through. I can have plans with friends, plans I am excited for with friends whom I love and you ruin them. You make me questions everything. Will there be too many people? Will there be too few? Will I hate it? And these are the benign ones. The terrible ones are more like this. Do my friends want me there? Do they even like me? Do I even matter? Before long there aren't even questions anymore just terrible thoughts and pictures in my head. I start to lose my grip on reality. I start to hyperventilate. I feel like the world is crashing in around me. I feel weak and dizzy. You ruin my plans because I can't do anything after that.

     You make school so challenging. I will try doing an assignment that I am more than capable of doing well, but you take one stray thought and run with it. It starts with questioning one tiny part of my assignment, but then you make me questions if I can really do this assignment at all. You make me question if I am just faking it. I ask if I should really be in grad school at all. Then you convince me that I will never be qualified to finish. That I will never have a successful life. That I will be a disappointment to my family and friends. That I will fail at life. When it all comes at once, another panic attack grips me. And the worst part is I know that you are lying. I know I shouldn't believe you, but the hold that you have takes over.

     This is only the tip of the iceberg, you can ruin any situation and make me look like a freak that can't function. You can keep me up all night freaked out about the way I said an off-handed comment. You make life harder to live. I want to understand how you do this, it makes no sense. You are like the doorway to doubt and worry that I cannot close sometimes. If I could talk to you face to face I would ask you why. Why me? Why during the times when you are least welcome? I have realized though that you are misery and you long company. Though there are times that I cannot resist you, I am going to fight tooth and nail against you when I can.

     There are times when I can take you by the throat and stop you. Those times are few, but they happen more often all the time. For as big of a jackass as you are you are losing your effectiveness. And I will continue to do whatever I can to get rid of you for good. Not just that I am going to work to make sure that you leave others alone as well. No one wants you around, no one likes the way you make them feel. So not only am I going to work to undo the pain you inflict, I am actively going to work to destroy you. Wipe you from society. Make you nothing more than a faint memory in the minds of those liberated from your hold.

     I will win. You will lose. This is a termination of our relationship. Don't come back.

Never yours again,

-Jared

Wanderer No More

Today I changed the name of my blog. To most this will seem insignificant. To me, it is a monumental change. Originally my blog was called Commissioned Wanderer. I picked this name because I loved the quote "Not all who wander are lost". While this is true, it wasn't for me. I was lost, I was drifting, I was hiding from any decision that would set me on a planned path again. I was in this position because I didn't think I was strong enough for another thing to fall through. I had been pushed to the breaking point and I had crumbled under the pressure. I was in a bad place.

And this is exactly where I needed to be. I though it was dark and I was drifting it was rock bottom and God used it to build me up better than before. Without this period of wandering, I would have probably continued in my life with a nominal faith, mildly depressed, and consumed with fears of the failure. Instead, my faith has been put to the test and I have a real personal relationship with the Creator of the universe. I have gone to counseling and learned how to fight my depression tooth and nail. And I embrace failure, this was the slowest coming, but I have learned that failure is simply a starting line for something new and better.

So still you might ask, why the name change? Well in the Bible, anytime that there was a great change in someone's life their name would be changed. Abram to Abraham, Jacob to Israel, Naomi to Mara, and Simon to Peter. You get the picture name changes were a big deal. While I thought about change my name from Jared to something else I decided the legal documents would be too extensive. And my blog name had much more relevance to how I saw myself than my given name.

I no longer want to wander. It was what I needed for a season, but it is no lifestyle. Do I want to live an adventurous life? Absolutely and I plan to, but I will also have direction. My current direction comes from Isaiah 61:1:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

God has laid it on my heart to bring the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and open the prisons for those who are bound. God shows me daily how I can use what I am learning in Grad School to minister to people in these ways. I am excited to one day be a counselor and show people the good news of the Gospel and bind up the hearts that have been broken in this world. That is why I have changed the name to Commissioned Heart Binder. This is what I feel God is calling me to. This is my direction.

Writing is Hard

I have avoided this for a while.
I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to write.
I wanted to hide.

Writing is hard.
Sometimes the words won't come.
Sometimes they don't feel right.
But that's not why.

Some can write about far off ideas and place.
I can't.
I have to write about what I feel, what I see.

That's why writing is hard.
I can't hide in my words.
I can only pour out my soul, with every word.
I have to lay bare my deepest thoughts.

It's not only hard, it's scary.
It's the most vulnerable thing I do.
I hate being vulnerable.

I have learned something trying this approach.
When you try to hold everything in you end up empty.
I am tired of empty.
I am tired of hiding.

I start this adventure anew.
I am not sure what it will hold.
I am not sure where it will go.

I would rather be judged for who I am,
then die without ever being known.
Darkness cannot survive in the light.
Hatred cannot survive in love.

Reflections

Not even sure what this is, beside my thoughts on life. As always welcome to thoughts.

Independent
Separated, but safe
A zone of comfort
But dying

The storm comes
My shield crumbles
Exposed now
Fractured

Pain again
Dangling at cliff's edge
Barely holding
Slipping

The pressure shatters
A million pieces
Never whole again
Worthless

The life, the death, the Savior

The lies shatter
A mosaic revealed
A different whole
Made worthy

Pain again
To the edge of self
Being held
Saved

The torrent unleashed
In the shadow of the cross
Walls gone
Freed

Dependent
Connected and secure
The comfort is gone
But alive

Humanity

This word can be used to describe the human race as a whole or it can be used to describe the humanness and benevolence that humans can display. This word has been a wonder to me for a while now. The idea that this word can hold such high praise for humans while we are capable of such terrible things.

The word humanity has become a sort of social contract that we will treat each other with the decency we would like in return. Although so often this is broken by hatred and bigotry. The world seems like it is at a breaking point, that we are on the cusp of an all out attack on one another. I disagree this lack of humanity is what we have always been marked by. Though we have hidden it in different ways we have always been oppressing and destroying those we feel are against to us since Cain killed Abel. Through wars and conquest and destroying the cultural identity of others through various means.

Some would readily agree with me, especially those students of history who can cite hatred and destruction. There are those who would immediately oppose me rationalizing their actions and the actions of the past with religion, political stance, or by some imbued right. I don't believe that any of religion or political stance should be used as a means of hatred.

Religion and faith in the Creator should be the reason that we reach out to the poor and oppressed, the reason we care for the widows and orphans. We are not imbued with the right to judge the rest of humanity and execute that judgement. We are emissaries of love, compassion, and reconciliation. We are also vanguards against those who would twist true religious for power and personal gain.

Government is our own creation and it should be used to protect and govern those of different backgrounds and origins. It should not be used as weapons of oppression and destruction. Especially those of us in America, our government was created by the people for the people, all people. It has taken us a while to finally reach a point where at least on the surface we are all represented, but moving forward we can demand protection of all.

It may seem that I have lost hope in humanity, but it is the opposite I have even more hope for humanity in these times that seem dark. We are made in the image of the Creator and he has imbued us with the ability to care for those around us. Those of us redeemed are even more able to show love and compassion to the broken and downtrodden. We have the opportunity to be a voice for the voiceless and the oppressed. To stand up for those who share the title of human. Often I believe we focus on how different we are when all it takes to love is to remember what we have in common. We all love and want to be love, we all feel: happiness, sadness, joy, and defeat and, we all want to live life to the fullest. We are creations of God.

My hope is that, in this time of instant communication and information, we will not be overwhelmed by the evil and atrocities in the world, but that we will overwhelm them with love, compassion, and humanity.

Reading

Reading is magical.

For a long time I have know that books are the portals to worlds unseen. They provide the ability to see things that no longer exist or have never existed. They lets you see the most interesting of people and walk in the shoes of people very different from you. They let you escape the world around you with its stress and worries.

Though all of these things are great this is not why books are magical. Books are magical because of the affect they have on our outlook. Once you have started reading books that differ from your experiences parts of you start to grow: your imagination, you sense of wonder, your creativity. While this is happening parts of you also start to die: your bigotry, your xenophobia, you narrow world view.

 A well read person will always struggle to be closed minded unless they give up reading.

Dear Younger Me...

Dear 2005 me,

You just started a new school and you don't feel like you fit in or have any friends, trust me high school gets better. This is you chance to be who you want to be, don't let anything hold you back from trying new things. I know this is hard, but don't let others define you not with praise or lack there of. You are not as good as your hype and you are not as bad as your criticism. You will make some friends and you will have fun. Be nice to people, not because you will need anything from them, but just because it is the right thing to do. And please remember that people care about you and you aren't in this world alone. You will get through it and it gets better from there on out, see you in 11 years.



Dear 2009 me,

Though I know this will deaf ears I will try none the less. You are about to start college and I know how you are feeling. You feel like you didn't live life to the fullest in high school.  And now you are going to try to wash away your morals, your religion, your family, and your feelings away with alcohol and drugs. Heads up try as you might it won't work. But don't worry that won't last long. You will have your life changed and make friends that will last you a lifetime. This new life is going to take you places you never expected, so get excited. Things won't always be easy and you are going to have some dark times, but remember people love you and you are not alone. You are going to have adventures and love it. It won't last forever so don't miss out because you are tired or lazy. There will soon come a time when you want to do things and there aren't crazy things happening constantly. Enjoy it and see you in seven years.



Dear 2013 me,

Dude you are about to start student teaching. Fair warning you are not going to enjoy it and you will figure out that teaching isn't for you, but that is okay we wouldn't trade college for anything. You have just seen your life change over the past four years, and it won't stop there. And sorry it doesn't get easier. Soon things are going to happen that are going to be so heart breaking that you will shut down. If I thought you would listen (I know you won't we are still stubborn) I would tell you to reach out when the pain strikes, don't hide it away. You are going to feel directionless, but God has so much in store for you and he knows exactly where you need to be. It is going to take you longer to get there than you would like, but we will get there. Its not all doom and gloom you will make even more new friends and you will figure out that no one knows what is going on. You will be okay, trust me. See you in three years.



Dear 2020 me,

We have come through a lot so far and I can't even imagine what you have seen that is in store for me. I am excited to see what is coming. I am still struggling with stuff, but I know that God has a plan and all of this will make sense either this side of eternity or the next. I know that I have great friends and that I will make even more. I hope you are still keeping in touch with them, you aren't too busy and it isn't a hassle. You had better still be relying on the Lord for everything and realizing that even if things are hard with Him they are harder without and we have seen the evidence of that. Remember that if you aren't where people say you should be you are right where God wants you. Remember to have fun no matter what. You are never too stressed, too broke, too busy, or too anything to have a good laugh and do something crazy. Well Mr. 2020 good luck I am sure the world is a very different place. Have fun and see you in four years

Lifeboats

I knew this was going to be a bad weekend. I could feel it coming on and I could feel the darkness slipping lies into my heart. I knew that unabated I would be prone to lash outs in either anger or anguish. I knew I was vulnerable so that was why I was so excited to be able to have friends around me.

I have the frame work to deal with these situations when they arise. I am able to identify the triggering events. I am able identify the lies that the enemy infects me with. And I am able replace them with the truth the is found in the gospel. I know how to do all of these things, but I don't always have the strength to do them.

That's where wonderful friends come in. Friends who remind me of who I am and of the hope that I have. They show me that I am loved and that I have purpose in life. They allow me to see the good in the world and to shed light on the shadows. They help me have fun and remember that life isn't as serious as I make it out to be. My friends are my strength. And they do it all without even knowing it.

This weekend great, it was full of games, unhealthy food, a terrible movie, and a little yard work. It was exactly what I needed. I was able to focus on other things, while also having plenty of time to internally process things in a safe, loving environment. I still came close to lashing out, but with their help I was able to hold it at bay and understand why I was feeling these ways.

My friends are lifeboats whenever I need them. Thanks Jay, Claire, and David.

My Day A-Z

Awake...again.
Breathing, always a plus.
Convincing myself that I really need this job.
Downstairs to find my wallet and keys.
Eating is good but time consuming.
Front door slamming behind me.
Got to work just in time.
Helping people and answer stupid questions.
Imagining myself in a hammock somewhere else.
Journaling and reading The Word.
Killing time before lunch.
Lunch :)
Making my steps around the building.
Needing a nap, but lunch is over.
Oh my a monkey could do my job.
Peace in unexpected moments.
Questioning my choice of going to college.
Relief that I get to leave soon.
Slow commute home.
Throwing things together for supper.
Up and off to the gym.
Varied lifts to slim down and build muscle.
Wash off in the shower.
X-ing off episodes on my Netflix watch list.
Yawning because its almost 9 pm.
Zzzzzzzz

Out of the Flame into the Fire

With the current political situation I have started to fear that America will never be the nation that it once was. That even if there are up swings we are headed in an overall downward trajectory. With freedoms of some protected while others are exploited. With people doing whatever they want whenever they want, giving no regard to who it hurts. Even within the church seeing people who are disillusioned and self centered. Then I wonder why am I surprised.

Often I believe that I subconsciously think that God Bless America is in the Bible, but God never promises that the nation we live in will prosper. The one nation state that God interacts with and favors in the Bible had a really rough go of it. All through history the people of God have faced pain and persecution, they have been conquered and put into captivity. Where did we get the idea that we, as Americans, are divinely chosen to be the most prosperous country in the world? And that even if we are blessed to be prosperous that it won't be a difficult, painful process that will separate those truly seeking the heart of God from those who aren't.

Though I don't like the potential political landscape of the United States, every time that the nation of Israel went through terrible circumstances in the bible it sparked a renewed devotion to God. The people who lived through it gained renewed vision and were very usable for God's will.

For most of my life I have braced myself for the next bad thing that was going to happen. Dreading the idea of going through another painful situation that could take any amount of time to resolve itself. This week I was challenged to focus less on the situation itself and instead focus on the result. After processing a while I realized that after the hard times I was in a place where God could work most easily. I was brought low so then I could be rebuilt into more of the image of Christ.

Although my flesh cries for comfort and ease in life, I know that getting that would cause me to stop growing. I need the challenges and the upheaval in my life to really spur my growth and more importantly bring me to a place where I am ready to grow.  So regardless of what happens in November God will still be good, Jesus will have still died for our sins, and it might just bring us to a place where the church can grow.

Beautiful are the Feet...

Those who know me know my feelings towards feet. I hate them, like a lot. I have no idea where this hatred came from, but I have had it as long as I can remember. That entire time I have also found them gross and I want nothing to do with them. I don't even like my own feet.

Yesterday was an unseasonably warm day for February in Nebraska, and as with any warm day people were wearing shorts, t-shirts and even a few chacos. The guy that I meet with was one of these crazy few allowing his feet to the elements. I noticed right away, but I didn't say anything because it is a well established fact that he is a little crazy. I have met with this guy for about a year and a half now and I have had the privilege to see him grow and mature into even more a man of God than when I first met him.

So you may be wondering how this all ties together. It does all come together, I promise.

Both him and I are giving up Facebook for Lent and we are replacing it with praying for the nations in order to make our heart more like God. Last night neither of us had prayed for the five countries assigned for that day so he suggested that we just do it right here and now. Even though it was late and I had an hour drive ahead of me I knew that this would be the most refreshing thing that I would do that day so I agreed. 

I started praying for Ecuador and then I handed the book to him so that he can pray for Egypt. Then I bow my head while he is praying. I do this so that I can stay focused, not because I think it makes you more spiritual. So in my effort to stop distraction, God leads my heart on a bit of a rabbit trail when I notice his feet. I started staring at his feet, which admittedly sounds creepy, but then God brought Romans 10:12-15 to mind. 

"For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”"

So then I start to realize how beautiful his feet had become to me, because of what they represented. He is sharing the good news of Christ and reconciliation actively through his life. He is serving those around him, seeking to be an encouragement for people. He has a heart for the Nations and longs to see the gospel reach the ends of the earth. He is willing to give of his time and resources to the work of the kingdom, not because he is obligated to, but because he has had the gospel transform his life. His feet are beautiful for no merit of their own, but for the divine purpose he has been called to.