The Year of Joy

So I have been asked a number of times "What is your New Years Resolution?" and I resolved last year that I would never have one again. I think that it is infeasible to try and commit to something for that long, we are far too fickle creatures. So last year I decided that I would resolve to one new thing each month and then if at the end of the month I wanted to quit I could guilt free. It was a great success.
While I do not want to resolve to change something for an entire year, I have decided that I want a theme for all the month resolutions that I make. The theme for this year is Joy. I want to do only things that bring me joy or things that lead me to things that bring me joy. Last year was a year of dealing with really hard things and starting the healing process. I believe that they next step in the healing process is embracing joy. Joy is not dependent on my circumstances but on my savior and the things he has enabled me to do.
This year I ask for your help as well friends. If you see me doing something or living in such a way that joy is not present pull me aside and ask me about it. There will be circumstances that make me unhappy, but through that joy should still be present. So my prayer and resolution this year are that joy will permeate my life and that I will remain fixed on Him through all trials and tribulations.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~ Romans 15:13

Image borrowed from http://www.lilblueboo.com/2014/01/the-year-of-joy.html

One Week In

So I have been in my Masters of Clinical Counseling program for one week now. Most of this week we had our orientation. Four days of 9-5 sessions. We learned things from the counseling microskills to licensure laws. It was a full experience. At the very beginning it was not what I expected, I thought there would be 12-20 people there, but there was only two of us. Honestly at that point I wanted to turn and run. I knew that with only two that I couldn't hide. I am a person who likes to stay silent in a group, I know that I could add things, but I just don't like to. I also knew that I couldn't run and leave this person to face it alone.
I am so glad I stuck around. We were able to learn about each other and about ourselves. Each day started out with meditation and though it was not what I was used to it was a wonderful way to meditate on God's goodness first thing in the morning. After that we learned how to ask open and closed question, reflect meaning, paraphrase, use minimal encouragers, and to not creep people out with eye contact. It was a very stretching experience I have to trust my instructor and partner. I will totally use these in normal conversation so be prepared.
The best part was group therapy. I had my doubts, to say the least, but it was an eye opening experience. I was able to share and to support others in sharing it was an exchange of emotions and experiences that I would have never guessed would happen. We were able to talk about faith and family and how to get through life. It was a safe place that allowed authentic life to be lived. It was a great opportunity to presence (the practice of being present with the people around you and being actively engaged) with people.
Overall though I am exhausted and ready for my schedule to be normal again I am very glad I have started down this road. I know it will be hard and there will be a ton of homework (some of which I am currently avoiding) I know that I will be a better person, a better son, a better brother, and better friend when it's all said and done.

A Stake in the Ground

This week is something of a milestone. This week I will finish my first full workout plan, I have been at it 3 months. It has been quite a journey of highs and lows. I have felt moments of triumph doing things that I thought physically unattainable. And I have had moments of failure giving into momentary temptation instead of holding to the reasons I started this. I started this journey at 290 pounds and now I am down to 270, it feels like quite and accomplishment, but I am no where near where I want to be. I am stronger and faster and I can go further that I thought I could. I was worried that it would be hard to reach this point, I wasn't sure I would still have sight of my goals. I was wrong, my goals get clearer and stronger each day.

My first goal is to live a healthier life. I found out just before starting this journey that I had put my body in a precarious situation. I had high cholesterol, was it a major concern? Right then, no it wasn't yet an issue. It could become one quickly though. Neglecting the needs that God created my body with I had desecrated the one gift that we are all given to start this life. I had taken what should be a temple to the Lord and turned it into a dumping ground for what ever brightly or sugar coated sweet that was with in reach. Taking control of what I was eating has been a great (if not always tasty) change. I am eating when i am hungry and not just because I am bored. I am also eating fruits and vegetables, which before I avoid most of all of God's creations.

My second goal is to be able to do the fun things I want to. I had reach a point where even a flight of stairs could wind me and running was out of the question (unless it was for the last cookie). I have never been in great shape, but I want that to change. I want to be able to do the fun, athletic thing that I had never done or could no longer do. Though I am no marathoner I can run without feeling like death and I have no fear of playing sports with my friends. Find and sticking to a workout plan has been so hard, but it has been so rewarding. It hurt at first but I have developed a rhythm and am starting to see progress. I have discovered there are days where you just don't want to do it, and those are they days the battle is won. Going more makes going more easier.

My third goal is to look good. Its vain, but it keeps me going even on the days when the other two don't.

That is my update for today, I am currently looking for my next workout and as always on the lookout for new meal prep recipes. I will keep you updated on the progress.

My Next Step

As some of you may have seen I have been accepted to the Masters of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Bellevue University. That in of itself might be post worthy, but the real thing I am posting about is the question that I keep getting asked by everyone who know. "Are you excited?" On the surface that should be an easy question and in the end it is an easy question, but there is a lot rolled up in my emotions about my next step.

So on the surface if you want the short answer, I am excited. This is what I have wanted to do for quite a while now. In the end the answer is yes, I am excited, but I am feel many other things as well. I am nervous, because I really have no idea what to expect. I mean I know what a counselor does, but I don't know what my professors will be like or if I am ready to be back in school. I am eager to learn again, I actually miss lecture (as crazy as that sounds). I am ready to pursue more classes that interest me.

I am also a little terrified. I am scared that I will fall flat on my face. I am scared that I will not be smart enough to do well in my classes. I am happy that I will be able to use what I learn to help people, though I don't know in what capacity or where. I am happy to know that I have a wonderful support system to help me through this. I am uncertain how I will respond or how I should respond when my beliefs are called out in the classes I take and my peers and professors. I am feeling everything and it all seems to be a bit over whelming.

Although on top of and through it all I am excited. I am excited that I am scared and nervous, because it will make me have to trust God for my sufficiency and my strength. I am excited to face the uncertainty on having my beliefs criticized because it will allow me to hold true and deepen the convictions that God has given me. I am excited to step out in faith and have God establish and direct where my foot will land. I am excited for this next step.

Picture borrowed from http://www.careerocean.com/wordclouds/mental-health-counselor.jpg

April Resolution (Revisited)

So I know it is already the sixth of April, but I have finally decided what I am resolving to do this month. Continuing in the theme of self improvement I have a two part resolution.

The first part will be to learn how to and implement meal planning. Today I went to the grocery story and bought enough supplies to make meals for the next 10 days. It was an eye opening experience, I bought mostly veggies and lean meat and fruit and I spent far less than I usually do. I am excited to go home tonight and prepare these meals.

The second part is I am going to read a new book that I ordered call A Hobbit, a Wardrobe, and a Great War: How J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis Rediscovered Faith, Friendship, and Heroism in the Cataclysm of 1914-1918 by Joseph Loconate. I am very excited for this book because it delves into the lives of two of my favorite authors and looks at their faith and inspiration. Later in the month after I finish the book I will give you a full run down of what I think.

Glad that is decided. Have a Happy Wednesday!

April Resolution

I have commitment issues so I decided not to make a new year resolution. Instead I decided to make 12 New Month Resolution. So far they have went okay. For January I resolved to join a gym and try to eat healthier. I did join a gym but that is where that resolution died. In February I wanted to learn three new things. I succeeded in that I learned a new test at work. I learned to knit. And I also learned somethings about myself. Then in March I renewed my January resolution and this time is was a success. I have made it to the gym 5-6 days a week for the last month and I have improved my diet drastically.

So now that I am reaching the end of yet another month it is time to decide on a new resolution. I tried Googling good resolution, but I came up with no solid ideas. I got the common ones, improve yourself, improve your finances, and to make a major life change. All of these however are pretty vague and don't really fit. So now I am on the quest for another resolution. For anyone reading this I am open to suggestions. I however make no promises to use anything suggested. I have seen the disasters of things left up to the internet to decide. If you need proof just Google Boaty McBoatface.

Getting in the Rhythm

So an update on my goals. I have been going to the gym (Omaha Barebell) 6 days a week for about a month now and I seem to be in a rhythm. Its not easy by any means, but it is normal to go regardless of if I want to or not. The workouts I am doing just got switch up again and I am trying to get used to them. I just started using a new preworkout that I am really liking. Pre-Jym check it out. I have found my time I like to go, past 8 is when the gym is the emptiest. I workout at the same time as some other guys I am getting to know. Now that the newness is worn off it isn't a high that I am working on anymore, but this just being a part of life is better. I have even started to feel stronger and see results. I love my gym and the time I spend there.

I think staying committed to going to the gym is simply making it a part of your life and remembering why you started this in the first place.

Summer

I love summer, or more accurately I love all of the things that you can do in the summer. Following this wonderful bit of warmer weather I have been longing for summer more than usual. I am ready for warm rain, long evenings and starry nights. I am excited to spend time with my friends and make some new ones. I want to have cookouts with my family and do amazingly fun things. So in an effort to help focus my desire for summer I am making a summer bucket list.

1. Spend time in a hammock at least every other day.
2. Spend the day at an amusement park. (Already have this one on the calendar)
3. Go camping. (Preferably many times in many states)
4. Play video games for far too many hours in a row with a bunch of people.
5. Get accepted into the Clinical Counseling program.
6. Have a float trip with fun people.
7. Read an new series.
8. Binge watch an entire series.
9. Climb a mountain and camp on it.
10. Go to the gym the majority of the day in the summer.
11. Spend the day on a lake.
12. Play mud volleyball. (And many games of sand volleyball)
13. Get a great tan.
14. See all the people I love.
15. Take a road trip.
16. Walk 10,000 steps a day
17. Get a tattoo. (Maybe more than one)
18. Relax.

That felt good and now I have goals for the summer so that it doesn't just pass me by again. I encourage everyone to do this!

Continuing the Battle

When I started the year I was good about going to the gym and trying to eat healthy, but after 2 months I have started to slack off. So this is my update and my recharge.

First reasons that many people don't stick with their goals is because they don't have a clear picture of why they are doing it in the first place. My goals are as listed.
    -I want to have the energy for adventures, to do the things that I long to do. Like climb a mountain, visit every National Park, but also the little adventures play a game of football, kick butt in sand volleyball, and be able to go on a hike without being winded.
    -I want to live a long healthy life. I have heart disease, diabetes, and other medical issues in my family tree and if I don't slim down and build muscle I am increase my risk for those killers.
    -I also want to like the way I look. I want to be able to take off my shirt and feel comfortable. As vain as it seems it is a legitimate motivation.

The second reason that people often fail is because they lack a clear plan of action. They have the best intentions, but when the stress and struggles of life happen the slip right back into their old habits. I am guilty of this, when I am stressed or tired or hungry I am far more prone to seek out sweets rather than looking for a more nutritious option.

Third reason is you healthy breakfast isn't so healthy. I have been trying to eat fruit for breakfast, but I have been struggling with being hungry only a few hours later. Then with the help of people more logical I realized that it is sugar and I am crashing. So following some research a high protein breakfast won't leave you hungry later on. So I am going to start having an omelet with pre-cut veggies for breakfast instead.

Fourth reason is that I am bored. I easily can lose focus and get bored with what I am doing. It becomes much easier to skip the gym and pig out on takeout. The best advice that I have come up with is support from family and friends. I haven't really involved my family or friends, and I still really don't want to but if I am going to succeed, and I am going to succeed, I need to do this.

All in all I do feel a little healthier, but I am not where I would like to be. I need to try new things to improve and I need the support from those around me.

Ideas borrowed from Prevention at http://www.prevention.com/weight-loss/your-biggest-mistakes-when-losing-50-plus-pounds/

Just What I Needed

All of last week I was in a funk and nothing felt right. It seemed like everything I did just didn't turn out the way I expect. It was just a culmination of bad days in one week. Already I had planned a fun weekend in Missouri (I know, it does seem impossible that you can have fun in Missouri). So I left on Thursday for Springfield to catch up with two of my best friends, who also happen to be one of my favorite married couples.

Catching up with them was great it was wonderful to talk with other people who find the 20's hard and don't know what or where they are called to be. It was a whirlwind 24 hours we had homemade Thai food, stayed up until wee hours of the morning, played 7 Wonders, played Stratego, watch The 100, watched Fuller House, went to Best Buy twice, and even got some mall walking in. Then on Friday we headed back north, to Smithville, to drop off one of my friends and pick up her brother and then off to Men's Retreat.

Men's Retreat was a quick drive and then we jumped right into a fun, thought provoking weekend. I really had the opportunity to wrestle with God about life and about fear. I was able to really have it out with God and He was faithful as ever. God lovingly listened to what I had to say and then showed me the truth of His Word. He showed me that He is bigger than my fears and then he has taken care of my shame. I am made right by the sacrifice He made. Have I heard this before, of course, hundreds of times, but this time is was new again.

Not only did I gain understanding and feel God's love, I had a blast with people that I love. I got to spend the most time with my two friends that came with me and I really got to get closer with them and grow our friendships even more. We played cards, played Avalon, we ate together, we made fun of each other, and we got to fellowship together.

Then after the Men's retreat I got to spend all of Sunday with another one of my best friends and we got to catch up on each others lives. It was great, we experienced nature together, ate Chinese food and played Legendary. All in all this was the weekend I needed and I got to see many of the people I love dearly. I don't know what this next week will hold, but I know that God is with me and my friends are for me.

Developing a Heart for the Nations

The Lenten Season is upon us, and for the first time I am celebrating it. In the past I haven't really understood the meaning or the reason that people did it. Recently it was as a time to reflect how our sinful broken state without the gospel, and to reflect on the gift of the cross. I was also told that it is best to give something up that is inhibiting your relationship with Jesus, and to also replace it with some thing that will help you grow closer to God's heart.

I decided to give up something that I rely on too much for entertainment and fulfillment: Facebook. I have used Facebook as an entertainment tool for a very long time. I will often be on there so long that I have to search hard for something new to look at. I also have used it as validation that I am important and that people like me. This is a flawed and self-destructive way of thinking. Our sufficiency should be in Christ and not the way people think of us on Facebook.

I have decided to replace it with praying for the nations of the world, about five a day for the 40 days of lent. This is an effort to draw closer to the heart of God. He loves that nations and so should we. I find, however though that it is harder to love something you know nothing about. So as each day passes I learn about the countries I am praying for. So far this has been great and has started growing my heart for even the nations all around me.

So even though we are barely a week into lent I have high hopes for the life change that is possible.

To Return or Not to Return (Stay or not to Stay)

So I am in quite the quandary.

I work at a university and this university offers tuition remission, aka I get my schooling paid for as long as I am willing to pay them back by staying at this university for 2 years after I complete my schooling. Sounds like quite the gig, but am I ready to commit the next 4 years to being in the same place?

This may seem silly to people who have lived in the same place for the last 20 years and it probably is. However, I have never stayed anywhere that long, granted I have been alive for only a whopping 25 years. I fear that if I choose to stay, to pursue this path, that I will be missing the adventures that people say we are supposed to have in our 20's.

My idea is to purse my Masters in Clinical Counseling so that one day I can open a transition house for kids who have spent significant time overseas either servings in the mission fields with their parents (Missionary Kid or MK) or on foreign military bases while their parent(s) are deployed. After meeting with a MK in college I saw the potential need for a place to help third culture kids transition back so they can smoothly transition into college or the work force.

I am still unsure what I will end up doing, but I am starting to realize that I can still have adventures even if I have to travel a bit more or even right where I am. And who knows maybe staying somewhere and putting down roots is the type of adventure I need.

One Day at a Time

When I was younger I was amazed that there were people who wanted to work in an office building filled with cubicles. Later in my adolescence I realized that most of those people hated that they were there, but I still couldn't understand how someone would allow themselves to get stuck in a hopeless job like that. I reasoned that they must be either boring people or so focused on promotion potential that they would go though anything. I made a promise to myself that I would never become one of those people.

Now, however I am starting to understand. Those people didn't all go into those jobs with intentions to say. They just got stuck there one day at a time. I can imagine there reasons for taking the job in the first place. It was probably something like: the money is good and I need to get back on my feet, I am just going to do this until I start my real career, or I am not really one of these people, I just work here. As the days, weeks, months, and even years drag on people get comfortable with the benefits and lifestyle that the job provides. They start to build friendships and can easily preform their given task. Before you know it this menially job that you never intended to keep becomes part of who you are.

Though this is not where my job is headed and not what my job is like, I was terrified by the prospect of this ever happening. I don't ever want to just do a job because I need to, though there are times in my life when that could be necessary. I will not become comfortable, I will seek jobs and opportunities because I am passionate about it and it helps humanity. I refuse to become stuck one day at a time.

Resolving to Change Each Month

So I really stink at follow through. If I say I am going to do something for a year count on about 3 weeks and then I am out. I don't like this about myself, but it is something that I have always struggled with. I never want to give up on my resolutions to become a better person, but I often do so the business of the year returns and time becomes a precious commodity. This year will be different because, with the advice of a wise friend, I am planning on having a new resolution for a better self each month. Then if it hasn't become a habit by the end of the month I will move on. I am hoping to keep all 12 resolution, but if I don't I am not going to beat myself up I am going to be proud of what I accomplished. So far I am going strong on January, finding a gym and working out at least 3 days a week. I have found a gym and have been going 3 times a week (and boy do I feel it). I have already planned my resolution for February learn how to do three new things. One for work, one practical thing, and one fun/random thing. I have decided that for the practical thing I will learn how to knit, because lets be serious gifts forever.

My Parent's Keeper

Everyday we hear about how the elderly are either unable to take care of themselves, abused by those taking care of them, and occasionally how someone has went out of their way to help an elderly person. The facts of the matter are that elderly people love human interaction as much as people of any age do and that when they are unable to take care of themselves they need someone to take care of them.

So for a very long time I have felt that God is calling me overseas. I don't know where, but I feel that I will be away from this country for long periods. God has laid that desire on my heart and I am willing to go. My brother on the other hand, after his time in the military, has every intention of moving back to Iowa near the homestead and living the rest of his life there. I have often judged him for not wanting big things for his life and throwing away all the opportunities that he could have if only he was willing to go.

First of all I have started to realize that who am I to say that he wouldn't have amazing opportunities right where he wants to live? How do I a simple human know that he won't be able to change the world living from a small town in Iowa? Simple fact is I have no idea how his life will turn out and I have no right to judge his decisions. Second I have started to see my brothers desire to stay as a gift to me. Confused yet?

My parents are aging, because, as with all humans, one day they will die. With the aging process there is a chance that they will reach a point when they won't be able to take care of themselves or each other and that scares me and breaks my heart. This is also one of the big reasons I have been nervous about doing missions work. I keep thinking how can I go and share the love of Christ with people while leaving my parents to be taken care of by strangers? But then it dawned on me I wouldn't be. I have a brother. Who seems to have a God given desire to stay within 10 miles of my parents.

So all this time I have been judging my brothers hopes and desires, when they are the very same hopes and desires that could one day allow me to follow God's call to go to the nations and share his love. Even though my parents are currently in great health and show no signs of slowing. God has given me perspective that is helping me appreciate my brother so much more and has taken the gavel out of my hands over my brothers life.

Though my brother and I have only started to see eye to eye about life and our need for the other one in it, moving forward I am going to give my brother the grace that I have withheld.

Nervous As Hell

So no sooner did I finish my last post, then did I get hit with another wave of self doubt. I will admit that I am out of shape and I haven't seriously lifted for close to two years now. Though the people at Omaha Barbell are super friendly, they also seem to be very fit and I feel out of place. I know that everyone probably isn't at fit as they look and that I am just feeling insecure, but perception is reality. I fell like when I am in the gym that everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to do something wrong so they can throw me out and tell me I don't belong. This is a lie that I am letting myself be told, by the world, by the enemy, and by myself. I hate this part of myself and this is part of what I want to improve this year. I need to stop passively listening to the lies and start actively telling myself the truth. I may make a fool of my self in the gym, but they won't throw me out they. If I make a mistake there are already people who will step in and educate me and then from that I can grow into a better person both physically and mentally.

Welcome Home

Have you ever walked into a place and instantly felt at ease? Have you ever gotten the feeling where you know that this could become your second home? I had that today at the gym I just joined. I am mentally scoffing at myself so I am sure some of you might be too. This gym is different. I walk in and first off I get to meet the owner and he was super nice. I looked around the facilitates and its a real lifting gym, what every high school gym wants to be and what every corporate gym isn't. There are lots of free weights and only a couple treadmills. But more than all of that people actually interacted with me. Not in the way you would expect, there was no body shaming or sneers. It isn't a big gym and the owner talked about it being a tight knit family. People asked if I needed help or suggestions, without a hint of arrogance. So the transformation of my body is going to be hard and there are going to be days when I want to quit, but I think this gym will get me through.

Failing Slowly

So this year I have resolved to have created a better me by the end of 2016 than the end of 2015 saw. This is a continuation of last years goals and I am excited to proceed. However I have already experienced that this is going to be hard. The world and the enemy are constantly working against humanity to keep us where we are or push us back. I am starting to see that "maintaining" is really just an lie that we are told and that we tell ourselves for what is really just a slow regression to failure. I believe there is no maintaining there is only progress or regression. I think I would rather fail fast and in spectacular fashion rather than slowly without even realizing it. Failing fast enables you to learn then grow from the experience. So this year I resolve to either succeed or fail spectacularly and then grow out of this failure. And I resolve to never just maintain the areas of my life.

Hello All

Hello,
First thing you should know is that I am writing for myself. I don't write to be read, but if I am that's okay. I write because it is therapeutic and because words hold so much power. I will write about my thoughts and opinions and even include my fears and worries. I have experienced some different things in life than other and I have also experienced some of the same. I write about my faith because it is the undercurrent and enabler of my life. Jesus saved me and I don't deserve it, but I am going to use the second chance I have been given. I have struggled with depression, but I am seeing light again. It isn't gone, but it has lost its control. This year I want to change myself, but for no one but myself. I want to engage with the people around me, I want a body that will last and work well, and I want to grow closer to the heart of the Creator. Not sure where I am going, but you are welcome to come along for the ride.