Golden Leaves

Looking for a place to get away and read alone, together. Around the placid lake watching men and women spending the day fishing. In the cradle of mountains crowned with evergreens and aspens, the lake reflects the hopes and dreams of a new day. The fields of waist-high golden grasses cover up the marshy ground that wreaths the lake. It is the pinnacle of fall. The main attraction is the aspens that are burning up in golden fire. Though the leaves change every year in all the places I have lived there is magic whispering through these leaves that is unlike any other. We stop at a site where we can easily enter the golden wood. The final hurdle to adventure is a deceptively wide stream forded only by fallen limbs and smooth slippery stones.

 

After crossing with the grace of beached whale we finally start to wander in the trees surrounded by a carpet of leaves and pine needles. The light filters through the canopy in rays of  dusty sun. Trails meander to the right and left in ever dividing paths to the future. He wanders ahead scouting out an ideal spot. Following currents of autumn breezes along water rutted deer paths. The wood is full of flittering birds and curious squirrels, but the outside world is never far away with jets full of strangers flying overhead. Closer at hand dogs barking and engines revving try to break the mystery, but some magics are stronger than modern life. The amber waves and purple majesty engulfs us and draws us deeper.

 

In the forest, we find structures of wood, shelters that could have been created yesterday or decades ago. This place feels like it is between time and between worlds. The sun on our skin and the chill in the air balance each other in harmony. This day feels like a gift from the Father, and nothing dissuades that belief. Finding a place to relax into, backs against trees sitting on the yellow floor. In our own worlds, but in a world together. With book in hand, I open myself to the scene around me, letting it read me and reading it in return. I feel at peace with the world around helping me find peace in my soul. I feel content in a way that is only possible when you know it cannot last. Knowing that if this were the norm the magic would fade and the peace would break. Then we read.

 

The words help me relax, but also challenge me to reflect. Not only to reflect on myself, but on humanity and my place in it. Understanding the brokenness I so often find in myself and realizing that it is the puzzle pieces that help me fit in the lives of those closest to me. It is also the jagged shards that I use to keep others at bay. Both often seen most clearly in relating to the people I love. In this, I find hope, knowing that if I am ever strong enough to lay down my weapons they may someday become the ties that bind me to others. Grasping again that it is in weakness that we can find closeness. And that walls build to keep us safe are really our undoing, separating us further and further from the brokenness that makes us whole.

 

We awaken from the Salinas Valley as the light shifts through the trees and the hour of departure nears. Getting up shaking a bit of the peace and magic from our bones we start to step back into our time and our world. Heading back we see the world from the opposite direction, leading us down new possibilities. Some tracts appearing familiar, but the trees want us to stay and confuse our path.  He takes the lead and I follow where he goes. Trekking up and down the light continues to change.  Reassuringly we finally hear rushing water. Fording the river this time involves dipping toes in the mountain stream. Still unsure of which way to go our walk extends. Eventually, we find our means of deliverance and return to the modern world. It was a perfect afternoon among the golden leaves.

Sermon: Roots and Shade

Sermon Notes
Jeremiah 29:1-14
Ben Loos
First Sunday in the New Building!

Circumstances

We did not choose
We do not like
We cannot change

God says stay.
All around, the world, says we should not be content, that we should rebel against our circumstances.
Why shouldn't we?

It is for our good. God is giving us a future and a hope, but this is part of his plan. Movement is not always progress. When we stop and are quite we can better discern the will of God for our circumstances. Until we do we will never learn how to just be in light of who God is in relations to us. There are things we can only learn in exile.

How do you develop character unless you are in a situation that is shitty enough to actually require you to have it? How do you learn steadfast love unless you are somewhere long enough to have your rose colored classes crushed? We, often, must stay somewhere that is hard so that it can be the stone on which we finally break our masks.

 Learning dependence on God and growing in delight happens in the purest way when we are in situations that we have no other hope. God is with us in exile.

God has rooted us and we are to be shade for those around us. God uses us to bless that nations and people around us. Either we go willingly or God will plant us where he wants us.

God so values that people are rooted and bless the community they are in that he spent 30 years in a podunk town. THE CREATOR GOD OF THE UNIVERSE TOOK ON FLESH AND SPENT 30 YEARS IN A SMALL TOWN. It is possible to be everywhere and nowhere. Big goals aren't bad, but sometimes the goal can be so big that we aren't able to do anything.

When we are rooted in a neighborhood and have a healthy sense of responsibility we are able to change the world one neighbor at a time. God has placed us where we are so that we can have ordinary interactions for the sake of the gospel and people's eternal souls.

With limits come focus and boundaries come directions. For the whole world to be reached 16th and A has to be reached. Someone has to engage with that calling.

Steam Rising (Musings on Insomnia)

Steam rising at dusk's embrace.

The moon looks down on the silent world. Keeping watch over the hidden workings of night owls and specters. The coming and going of those ignored by the light of day. Forgotten by the watching world, unheard in their whispers with the moon.

I enter this sacred space and revel in the peace that can only be attained in the embrace of the evening. When the anxiety of life seeps into the moment between and my thoughts fire over and over, I long for rescue and restoration.

Steam rising in the middle of the night.

Fitful sleep flees from my grasp. Dreams and nightmares war again, no victims but my sanity. As the night lingers on I wander the halls like a shade of the mists. Searching, seeking for something that simply fades away.

The object of my longing as ethereal as the thoughts conflicting above. A clear path eludes me as I drift between reality and midnight musings. I cannot begin to grasp where mind and body end. Reliving the highs and lows of the sun drenched day.

Steam rising in the middle of the night.

The nights embrace weakens around me and the resignation of a sleepless night sets in. The ethereal becomes tangible and the lies of the night are shown the harsh truth of the dawn. I greet the morning with weariness, felt bone deep.

Battle worn I watch the last vestige of night burn away. Forgotten are the desires and the pursuits of moonlit visions. The concrete concerns of waking light return a clarity of mind found only in worry. Another day collecting fatigue before the all consuming embrace night.

Steam rising to the glaring sun.

The Year of Joy

So I have been asked a number of times "What is your New Years Resolution?" and I resolved last year that I would never have one again. I think that it is infeasible to try and commit to something for that long, we are far too fickle creatures. So last year I decided that I would resolve to one new thing each month and then if at the end of the month I wanted to quit I could guilt free. It was a great success.
While I do not want to resolve to change something for an entire year, I have decided that I want a theme for all the month resolutions that I make. The theme for this year is Joy. I want to do only things that bring me joy or things that lead me to things that bring me joy. Last year was a year of dealing with really hard things and starting the healing process. I believe that they next step in the healing process is embracing joy. Joy is not dependent on my circumstances but on my savior and the things he has enabled me to do.
This year I ask for your help as well friends. If you see me doing something or living in such a way that joy is not present pull me aside and ask me about it. There will be circumstances that make me unhappy, but through that joy should still be present. So my prayer and resolution this year are that joy will permeate my life and that I will remain fixed on Him through all trials and tribulations.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~ Romans 15:13

Image borrowed from http://www.lilblueboo.com/2014/01/the-year-of-joy.html

Advent

The days start to shorten

     and the darkness creeps in

Our hearts long for saving

     and the waiting begins

We enter this season

     with priorities all wrong

Beat down by the year

     so painful and long

So often it is said

     that hope spring eternal

But often it's forgotten

     in pursuing the external

But assured is this hope

     though we cannot yet see

It is certain and ensured

     by His death on the tree

Frequently this season

     is nothing more than a blur

But presence is a gift

     like frankincense and myrrh

Preparing our hearts

     should not be by chance

So that the manger

     receive more than a glance

Often passing delight

     is mistaken for joy

Craving the next thing

     it's all just a ploy

Though often it's missed

     joy itself is a gift

Through a future secure

     we are no longer adrift

If everyone were honest

     one would top the list

Most valuable is love

     giving a meaning to exist

It can sometimes be found

     in family and friend

But the true source

     no other can transcend

Christ is the focus

     the waiting is finished

Our souls are revived

     we can strive undiminished

Dispelled is the darkness

     and hope born anew

Our lives are ransomed

     God broke through

Picture borrowed from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/the-village-blog/the-season-of-advent/

Waiting For Christmas

For as long as I can remember I have waited with bated breath on the happiness that December brings. I would make my list and dream of the chocolate dipped pretzel my mom makes every year. Throughout the months of waiting there were times that I would despair feeling that it would never arrive and that I couldn't wait another second. Every year to date, however, I have made it to Christmas. I have gotten to over indulge on sugary sweets. I have gotten too ripe open my presents. I have gotten to experience the magic of Christmas.
Though not intentionally, I believe that this has been training me to experience the Advent season on a deeper level. Advent is about the waiting and I have been waiting for Christmas for many years now. Now I understand that the despair I felt was the world without the gift that Christmas brought. And we still have that despair at times waiting for the Savior to come again. To free this broken world from the darkness that still exists.
Going through the Advent season this year has really helped me appreciate this time of year better. Not only this time of year but my life as well. The waiting and despair have a purpose and that purpose is to prepare our hearts for the receiving. The receiving is put into perspective when we know what we currently have. We live in a broken world that will never truly satisfy our soul deep desires.
Christmas is the culmination of our desire to see a restored world and revived souls. Though this season has been corrupted like everything else in the world it does serve as a glimpse into what is to come. Our souls have life breathed into them. We are able to gather to those who mean the most to us. We are able to take the time to reflect on the birth and death of our Savior. And we are able to share the love of Jesus through gifts and the gospel.
Though the clouds have not yet been rolled back and the Jesus has not yet called us home, we can share His love and experience our own relationship with him on a deep level this Christmas Season.

Scarlet Moon

Blood sprayed on your porcelain face

Broken promises and ripped up lace

Watching over the world below

As friends and countrymen turn to foe

The streets run red from what divides

And disaster presses from every side

Safety fleas from hearth & home

Love forgotten from The Holy Tome

You with us in concert wait

For us to reach our final fate

Freed at last from groaning pain

Washed by blood not shed in vain

Writer's Block

I have writer's block. Either I stare at the screen and nothing comes to mind or I write then delete because it feels forced. It sucks, I want to write, but nothing. That is all for now. Hopefully write to you all later.

Wanderer No More

Today I changed the name of my blog. To most this will seem insignificant. To me, it is a monumental change. Originally my blog was called Commissioned Wanderer. I picked this name because I loved the quote "Not all who wander are lost". While this is true, it wasn't for me. I was lost, I was drifting, I was hiding from any decision that would set me on a planned path again. I was in this position because I didn't think I was strong enough for another thing to fall through. I had been pushed to the breaking point and I had crumbled under the pressure. I was in a bad place.

And this is exactly where I needed to be. I though it was dark and I was drifting it was rock bottom and God used it to build me up better than before. Without this period of wandering, I would have probably continued in my life with a nominal faith, mildly depressed, and consumed with fears of the failure. Instead, my faith has been put to the test and I have a real personal relationship with the Creator of the universe. I have gone to counseling and learned how to fight my depression tooth and nail. And I embrace failure, this was the slowest coming, but I have learned that failure is simply a starting line for something new and better.

So still you might ask, why the name change? Well in the Bible, anytime that there was a great change in someone's life their name would be changed. Abram to Abraham, Jacob to Israel, Naomi to Mara, and Simon to Peter. You get the picture name changes were a big deal. While I thought about change my name from Jared to something else I decided the legal documents would be too extensive. And my blog name had much more relevance to how I saw myself than my given name.

I no longer want to wander. It was what I needed for a season, but it is no lifestyle. Do I want to live an adventurous life? Absolutely and I plan to, but I will also have direction. My current direction comes from Isaiah 61:1:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

God has laid it on my heart to bring the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and open the prisons for those who are bound. God shows me daily how I can use what I am learning in Grad School to minister to people in these ways. I am excited to one day be a counselor and show people the good news of the Gospel and bind up the hearts that have been broken in this world. That is why I have changed the name to Commissioned Heart Binder. This is what I feel God is calling me to. This is my direction.

Advent: Week One

Advent is the Latin word for coming it is the season of the year that proceeds Christmas and is the waiting and longing for the birth of Jesus. It is the period that represents the tension in our lives between being saved by grace and waiting for the fulfillment of all promises. 

Last night we had the first Advent gathering. The first week is hope and it was exactly what my heart needed. I have been longing this year, but often without hope. My longing lacked Christ at the center. Without Christ providing hope for longing it can be very painful and destructive to the soul. Last night was what I needed to realign my focus on the Saviour. When longing is focused on Christ I find it produces abundant hope, but when Christ is absent from the equation it only produces despair.   

My favorite piece of scripture from the night was from Isaiah 61:1-4: 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

This to me this is the picture of hope. Not only the hope in the gospel message but our ability to be the hope bringings to this lost generation. The hope that we have in the Saviour that has come, but who will come again to the fulfilment of all promises is not only our message but our own hope. This seasons of longing reminds us that things are not yet perfect, but that perfection in the form of Jesus was sent, has redeemed the people of God, and will, in time, wipe away every tear. 

In part from the realization that I have spent much of this year longing without hope and in part from the reflection portion of last nights Advent gathering, my desire to bring hope to the hurting has returned. I have spent a good deal of time focused on myself and returning hope from depression. This was a healthy period of inward focus, but the fear of focusing outwards again has been painfully overwhelming. I have wanted to focus outward in the new work environment that God has placed me in and this Advent season feels like the push I need. 

The directed reflection for last night's gathering was to think of three people that need hope and how can you share hope with them in a way that points them to Jesus. I knew the instant that it was read that the three people who need hope in my life the most are my three coworkers. They do not know Jesus and I can be the vessel that God uses to bring it to them. I am still not certain how to do this, but they have been placed on my heart and God will show me the how. 

We often forget that this is a season of longing and hope for the Savior that is coming and has come. I pray that all of you are filled with this longing and hope as Christmas approaches. I also pray that God will lead you to three people that you can share this hope with who are in desperate need of it. 

Okay, But Not Content

Being in your mid-20s can be the worst.

Don't get me wrong I love parts of it. I love that I am no longer a child and I have the freedom that comes with that. I love that even though I am an adult, I can still do crazy, impulsive things. I am about to drive 13 hours with friends to see friends for a couple days and then drive 13 hours back and go right back to work. I know that I will not be able to do that at many other stages in life. I decide what I want to do. I can watch what I want, I can do what I want, and I can go where I want and I don't have to worry about anyone else.

At this point, you are probably wondering why I started with the statement that I did. The reason behind why I think this stage of life can be the worst is the conversations. When I enter a conversation with anyone who is a different age than I am and even people my own age there are certain questions that always come up. Some these are:

       So are you married?
       Are you dating?
       Have you found that special someone?
       Do you love your job?
       Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?
       What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
     
Don't get me wrong some people genuinely care, but there are some that prying for information, judging you, or waiting to give you advice. You can tell the different from the genuine people from the obnoxious ones easily. The obnoxious ones use phrases like these:

       Back in my day...
       If you were really trying...
       Singleness is a gift...
       I know this nice girl...
       You really need to figure your life out...
       At my age, I had my life together...
       You're not trying hard enough...

I will admit it isn't as cut and dry as I make it sound. There are genuine people who will use these statements and there are obnoxious one that will belie their true intentions. The point that I am making is ask better questions. Don't stay at small talk. Go deeper. Ask me about my hopes and dreams. Ask me about why I love this stage of my life. Ask me about the fears I have.

The blanket answer to the questions is that I am in a transition period in my life. I am loving parts of it and hating parts of it. I am doing okay, but I am not content. Honestly, I will probably never content with my life here on Earth. I am not meant to and that is okay.

Writing is Hard

I have avoided this for a while.
I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to write.
I wanted to hide.

Writing is hard.
Sometimes the words won't come.
Sometimes they don't feel right.
But that's not why.

Some can write about far off ideas and place.
I can't.
I have to write about what I feel, what I see.

That's why writing is hard.
I can't hide in my words.
I can only pour out my soul, with every word.
I have to lay bare my deepest thoughts.

It's not only hard, it's scary.
It's the most vulnerable thing I do.
I hate being vulnerable.

I have learned something trying this approach.
When you try to hold everything in you end up empty.
I am tired of empty.
I am tired of hiding.

I start this adventure anew.
I am not sure what it will hold.
I am not sure where it will go.

I would rather be judged for who I am,
then die without ever being known.
Darkness cannot survive in the light.
Hatred cannot survive in love.

Freedom to Laugh and Cry

This weekend I was told that I had a great laugh and was given the compliment that I am never afraid to laugh. These were such beautiful comments and I appreciate them greatly. It is true I love to laugh, I purposefully watch funny Youtube videos so that I can get at least one laugh in a day. But this is only part of the story.
As some people know I have struggled with clinical depression for a large majority of life and it is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of to this day.  With depression, many people think that it is just being sad all of the time. That is part of it, I definitely felt sad at times. There is also so much more, there is an overwhelming numbness that you feel to all emotions, you lose interest in the people and things that you love, and it really a scary place to be. For years of my life, I had to force laughter in moments I knew should be funny so that no one would notice and no one would ask why I wasn't acting normal. More than that I lost the ability to genuinely cry as well. I still cried, but for myself and only myself. I couldn't feel compassion or joy for other people. I learned how to function as a normal person, but it was just a mask. As much as I longed to feel and live life to the fullest depression was robbing me of it. Some people call it smiling depression, it's dealing with it on the inside, but hiding it on the outside. Even the people who appear the happiest, can be the ones fighting for their life on the inside. Anyone can be dealing with this, don't be afraid to ask someone you think might be struggling. They won't be offended, they will be happy to know someone care.
Back to my story, I was in a very dark place, but I had great friends and family who helped me get help. Now that I have gotten help and I am out of the mire I was in, I try to laugh and cry at least once a day. This probably seems forced or just plain weird to some people, but now that I have the freedom to laugh and cry I want that experience every chance I can. So thank you to the people who help me laugh and make me cry, and really everyone who helps me feel anything at all. If anyone wants to share stories that have made them laugh or cry, or about depression I am always here to listen!

One Week In

So I have been in my Masters of Clinical Counseling program for one week now. Most of this week we had our orientation. Four days of 9-5 sessions. We learned things from the counseling microskills to licensure laws. It was a full experience. At the very beginning it was not what I expected, I thought there would be 12-20 people there, but there was only two of us. Honestly at that point I wanted to turn and run. I knew that with only two that I couldn't hide. I am a person who likes to stay silent in a group, I know that I could add things, but I just don't like to. I also knew that I couldn't run and leave this person to face it alone.
I am so glad I stuck around. We were able to learn about each other and about ourselves. Each day started out with meditation and though it was not what I was used to it was a wonderful way to meditate on God's goodness first thing in the morning. After that we learned how to ask open and closed question, reflect meaning, paraphrase, use minimal encouragers, and to not creep people out with eye contact. It was a very stretching experience I have to trust my instructor and partner. I will totally use these in normal conversation so be prepared.
The best part was group therapy. I had my doubts, to say the least, but it was an eye opening experience. I was able to share and to support others in sharing it was an exchange of emotions and experiences that I would have never guessed would happen. We were able to talk about faith and family and how to get through life. It was a safe place that allowed authentic life to be lived. It was a great opportunity to presence (the practice of being present with the people around you and being actively engaged) with people.
Overall though I am exhausted and ready for my schedule to be normal again I am very glad I have started down this road. I know it will be hard and there will be a ton of homework (some of which I am currently avoiding) I know that I will be a better person, a better son, a better brother, and better friend when it's all said and done.

A Stake in the Ground

This week is something of a milestone. This week I will finish my first full workout plan, I have been at it 3 months. It has been quite a journey of highs and lows. I have felt moments of triumph doing things that I thought physically unattainable. And I have had moments of failure giving into momentary temptation instead of holding to the reasons I started this. I started this journey at 290 pounds and now I am down to 270, it feels like quite and accomplishment, but I am no where near where I want to be. I am stronger and faster and I can go further that I thought I could. I was worried that it would be hard to reach this point, I wasn't sure I would still have sight of my goals. I was wrong, my goals get clearer and stronger each day.

My first goal is to live a healthier life. I found out just before starting this journey that I had put my body in a precarious situation. I had high cholesterol, was it a major concern? Right then, no it wasn't yet an issue. It could become one quickly though. Neglecting the needs that God created my body with I had desecrated the one gift that we are all given to start this life. I had taken what should be a temple to the Lord and turned it into a dumping ground for what ever brightly or sugar coated sweet that was with in reach. Taking control of what I was eating has been a great (if not always tasty) change. I am eating when i am hungry and not just because I am bored. I am also eating fruits and vegetables, which before I avoid most of all of God's creations.

My second goal is to be able to do the fun things I want to. I had reach a point where even a flight of stairs could wind me and running was out of the question (unless it was for the last cookie). I have never been in great shape, but I want that to change. I want to be able to do the fun, athletic thing that I had never done or could no longer do. Though I am no marathoner I can run without feeling like death and I have no fear of playing sports with my friends. Find and sticking to a workout plan has been so hard, but it has been so rewarding. It hurt at first but I have developed a rhythm and am starting to see progress. I have discovered there are days where you just don't want to do it, and those are they days the battle is won. Going more makes going more easier.

My third goal is to look good. Its vain, but it keeps me going even on the days when the other two don't.

That is my update for today, I am currently looking for my next workout and as always on the lookout for new meal prep recipes. I will keep you updated on the progress.

The Writing Process

Words come hard in a way
Like molasses on a cold day
The pull between truth and ease
And who am I trying to please

To lay bare my soul for all to see
To say how I feel and be free
But really I just want to hide
To seek comfort on the safe side

Reaching the limit of sharing
My deficiencies are glaring
Fighting to move out of my zone
But will the truth leave me alone

Petrified by powerful fear
Is this a hurdle I can clear...

Tattoos

I often get asked questions about my tattoos and tattoos in general. Some I get often are why did you get that? What will happen if you change your mind and don't like them? And the ever famous how much did it hurt? Today will just be a few answers to commonly asked questions about tattoos. I got the list of questions from Ella Ceron's article on Thought Catalog, but the answers are all my own. If anyone has more questions feel free to ask!

1. Did it hurt?

This question generally irritates me, because lets face it when someone is repeatedly stabbing you with a needle it is going to hurt to one degree or another. Better questions is how much did it hurt or how would you describe the pain? The best way to give you an idea of how much it hurts is to pinch yourself where you want the tattoo, and then do it about 20 more times. You get numb eventually, but it wont tickle to start off with. The way I would describe the pain is a warm sensation with occasional pinches. The pain also depends how close you are to a bone, bones hurt, but most people have the pain tolerance for tattoos.

2. Don’t you regret them? 

Be warned you will probably piss off whoever you are asking. We are sick of this question. For the most part we have thought about what we want to get for quite a while and there is a reason we got it. There are some people who regret their tattoos, but most of those include alcohol or heartbreak. Personally I will never regret any of my tattoos, because regardless of whether I like them forever they are the physical representation of memories and they represent who I was when I got them.

3. Don’t you respect yourself?

Yes I do, but from that question I am guessing you don't respect me. That is okay in my book. A similar question Christians get to this question is "Do you think your tattoo is sin?" No I don't because Leviticus 19:28 is in reference to gashing yourselves. It was not the same as tattoos today. It was a cultural law that was protecting the people of Israel from dying from infection. And in Revelation 19:16 Jesus has King of Kings and Lord of Lords tattooed on his thigh.

4. How are you going to feel about them when you’re old?

I am pretty sure that I will think they are as awesome as I do now. They may fade and look different with time, but that is okay. Personally I think it will be really cool to have a generation of grandparents that are all tatted up. And like I said before my tattoos are milestones for my life, I am excited to have them when I am old so that I can't forget the full adventurous life I have lived!

5. Does that mean you only date other people with tattoos?

Hahaha no, but it is definitely a perk. :)

6. But what does it mean?

This is probably the most dreaded question that I get. Not because I don't like sharing, I don and I knew it would happen when I got a tattoo. The reason I hate it is because people only half care, they want the 30 second teaser of the story. If you ask this question please be prepared to hear the whole story and the heart behind it, otherwise just don't ask. For you teaser people out there here are the short stories about my tattoos. I currently have two, though that will soon change. The first one I got is a anatomical heart composed of the words of 1st Thessalonians 2:8 and it is positioned over my heart. I got this because I want this verse to be at the heart of everything I do, I want it to be the very fiber of my heart. The second one I have is a iceberg in a diamond shaped box. I got this as a reminder to myself that when I meat someone I only see the top 10% and I have no right to judge them by it and a reminder to others to do the same for me.

7. How much did you pay for that?

This question offends some people, but for me I don't really care. It does depend heavily on how its asked. If there is even a hint of condensation it quickly because anger invoking.

8. What do your parents think about them?

Well I have great parents. Mom thought they were cool right away. Dad was a little slower to warm up to the idea. They both are pretty on board with them now. I can say the same for everyone I know. I have some family members who still aren't huge fans of tattoos. Overall the thing is though I am 25, I am a mostly functioning adult and have been for a while, it doesn't really matter what my parents think and its none of your business. Once again for the record they thing they are great.

9. Would you ever get them removed?

No, unless I had to for some medical reason. One it is very expensive and can be as painful as getting it done. Like I said earlier I love my tattoos and they are a part of who I am and they are a reminder of who I have been. I am going to keep mine, unless I have a really cool idea for a new one and one of my old ones is in the way. Okay probably not, but that is the only way.

Questions borrowed from http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2013/12/the-9-most-common-questions-people-with-tattoos-get-asked/ .

Lifeboats

I knew this was going to be a bad weekend. I could feel it coming on and I could feel the darkness slipping lies into my heart. I knew that unabated I would be prone to lash outs in either anger or anguish. I knew I was vulnerable so that was why I was so excited to be able to have friends around me.

I have the frame work to deal with these situations when they arise. I am able to identify the triggering events. I am able identify the lies that the enemy infects me with. And I am able replace them with the truth the is found in the gospel. I know how to do all of these things, but I don't always have the strength to do them.

That's where wonderful friends come in. Friends who remind me of who I am and of the hope that I have. They show me that I am loved and that I have purpose in life. They allow me to see the good in the world and to shed light on the shadows. They help me have fun and remember that life isn't as serious as I make it out to be. My friends are my strength. And they do it all without even knowing it.

This weekend great, it was full of games, unhealthy food, a terrible movie, and a little yard work. It was exactly what I needed. I was able to focus on other things, while also having plenty of time to internally process things in a safe, loving environment. I still came close to lashing out, but with their help I was able to hold it at bay and understand why I was feeling these ways.

My friends are lifeboats whenever I need them. Thanks Jay, Claire, and David.

Monster Within

Tethered to a monster on the day of light
Always it will try to steal your fight
With you as a shadow until death
When you greet eternity at last breath

At first it is wild as a feral dog
Favoring attack and forgoing dialogue
Ripping and enticing, then running away
Assaults and temptations coming night or day

Further you grow and longer you walk
Truth is your guide, leaning on the Rock
Learning the roads protected from the beast
Serving the King by being the least

But the monster learns and grows as well
Refining its methods, your doubt it can smell
Forgoing the wild, brazen onslaught
Focused and precise like a sniper's gunshot

Putting on the armor that shores up holes
Learning how to operate life's controls
Sharing the light that has grown within
Gaining wisdom to choose right over sin

The enemy now skilled as any lawyer
Just needing words to be a destroyer
Showing you your failure and weakness
Requiring nothing but unending bleakness

The enemies most deadly and desperate skin
But you can now tap the power within
The cleansing and pure Spirit of God
The Flesh defeated, His salvation we'll laud

Getting in the Rhythm

So an update on my goals. I have been going to the gym (Omaha Barebell) 6 days a week for about a month now and I seem to be in a rhythm. Its not easy by any means, but it is normal to go regardless of if I want to or not. The workouts I am doing just got switch up again and I am trying to get used to them. I just started using a new preworkout that I am really liking. Pre-Jym check it out. I have found my time I like to go, past 8 is when the gym is the emptiest. I workout at the same time as some other guys I am getting to know. Now that the newness is worn off it isn't a high that I am working on anymore, but this just being a part of life is better. I have even started to feel stronger and see results. I love my gym and the time I spend there.

I think staying committed to going to the gym is simply making it a part of your life and remembering why you started this in the first place.