Advent: Week One

Advent is the Latin word for coming it is the season of the year that proceeds Christmas and is the waiting and longing for the birth of Jesus. It is the period that represents the tension in our lives between being saved by grace and waiting for the fulfillment of all promises. 

Last night we had the first Advent gathering. The first week is hope and it was exactly what my heart needed. I have been longing this year, but often without hope. My longing lacked Christ at the center. Without Christ providing hope for longing it can be very painful and destructive to the soul. Last night was what I needed to realign my focus on the Saviour. When longing is focused on Christ I find it produces abundant hope, but when Christ is absent from the equation it only produces despair.   

My favorite piece of scripture from the night was from Isaiah 61:1-4: 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

This to me this is the picture of hope. Not only the hope in the gospel message but our ability to be the hope bringings to this lost generation. The hope that we have in the Saviour that has come, but who will come again to the fulfilment of all promises is not only our message but our own hope. This seasons of longing reminds us that things are not yet perfect, but that perfection in the form of Jesus was sent, has redeemed the people of God, and will, in time, wipe away every tear. 

In part from the realization that I have spent much of this year longing without hope and in part from the reflection portion of last nights Advent gathering, my desire to bring hope to the hurting has returned. I have spent a good deal of time focused on myself and returning hope from depression. This was a healthy period of inward focus, but the fear of focusing outwards again has been painfully overwhelming. I have wanted to focus outward in the new work environment that God has placed me in and this Advent season feels like the push I need. 

The directed reflection for last night's gathering was to think of three people that need hope and how can you share hope with them in a way that points them to Jesus. I knew the instant that it was read that the three people who need hope in my life the most are my three coworkers. They do not know Jesus and I can be the vessel that God uses to bring it to them. I am still not certain how to do this, but they have been placed on my heart and God will show me the how. 

We often forget that this is a season of longing and hope for the Savior that is coming and has come. I pray that all of you are filled with this longing and hope as Christmas approaches. I also pray that God will lead you to three people that you can share this hope with who are in desperate need of it. 

Okay, But Not Content

Being in your mid-20s can be the worst.

Don't get me wrong I love parts of it. I love that I am no longer a child and I have the freedom that comes with that. I love that even though I am an adult, I can still do crazy, impulsive things. I am about to drive 13 hours with friends to see friends for a couple days and then drive 13 hours back and go right back to work. I know that I will not be able to do that at many other stages in life. I decide what I want to do. I can watch what I want, I can do what I want, and I can go where I want and I don't have to worry about anyone else.

At this point, you are probably wondering why I started with the statement that I did. The reason behind why I think this stage of life can be the worst is the conversations. When I enter a conversation with anyone who is a different age than I am and even people my own age there are certain questions that always come up. Some these are:

       So are you married?
       Are you dating?
       Have you found that special someone?
       Do you love your job?
       Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?
       What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
     
Don't get me wrong some people genuinely care, but there are some that prying for information, judging you, or waiting to give you advice. You can tell the different from the genuine people from the obnoxious ones easily. The obnoxious ones use phrases like these:

       Back in my day...
       If you were really trying...
       Singleness is a gift...
       I know this nice girl...
       You really need to figure your life out...
       At my age, I had my life together...
       You're not trying hard enough...

I will admit it isn't as cut and dry as I make it sound. There are genuine people who will use these statements and there are obnoxious one that will belie their true intentions. The point that I am making is ask better questions. Don't stay at small talk. Go deeper. Ask me about my hopes and dreams. Ask me about why I love this stage of my life. Ask me about the fears I have.

The blanket answer to the questions is that I am in a transition period in my life. I am loving parts of it and hating parts of it. I am doing okay, but I am not content. Honestly, I will probably never content with my life here on Earth. I am not meant to and that is okay.

Missing it

The days are dwindling
the desire for excess rekindling
As our hearts and wallets take a hit
Memories of pain still lingering
I think we're missing it

Forgotten are the meaning and reason
To skip the empty acts is near treason
Getting what we want is life or death
But just the rat race of another season
Seeking to be better with each and every breath

Extra hours for a few extra bucks
Finding the perfect gift with the other schmucks
Not making it to the recital, the party, the skit
Creating emotional baggage filling dump trucks
I think we're missing it

Loved ones replaced with Facebook likes
Negative comments like enemy airstrikes
Dismissed are the widows and orphans
Those in need mounted on pikes
Living our life for a high of endorphins

Hours away or all alone
No one reaches out through card or phone
Painful thoughts of family and lights all lit
Families still broken from stones thrown
I think we're missing it

Writing is Hard

I have avoided this for a while.
I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to write.
I wanted to hide.

Writing is hard.
Sometimes the words won't come.
Sometimes they don't feel right.
But that's not why.

Some can write about far off ideas and place.
I can't.
I have to write about what I feel, what I see.

That's why writing is hard.
I can't hide in my words.
I can only pour out my soul, with every word.
I have to lay bare my deepest thoughts.

It's not only hard, it's scary.
It's the most vulnerable thing I do.
I hate being vulnerable.

I have learned something trying this approach.
When you try to hold everything in you end up empty.
I am tired of empty.
I am tired of hiding.

I start this adventure anew.
I am not sure what it will hold.
I am not sure where it will go.

I would rather be judged for who I am,
then die without ever being known.
Darkness cannot survive in the light.
Hatred cannot survive in love.

Freedom to Laugh and Cry

This weekend I was told that I had a great laugh and was given the compliment that I am never afraid to laugh. These were such beautiful comments and I appreciate them greatly. It is true I love to laugh, I purposefully watch funny Youtube videos so that I can get at least one laugh in a day. But this is only part of the story.
As some people know I have struggled with clinical depression for a large majority of life and it is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of to this day.  With depression, many people think that it is just being sad all of the time. That is part of it, I definitely felt sad at times. There is also so much more, there is an overwhelming numbness that you feel to all emotions, you lose interest in the people and things that you love, and it really a scary place to be. For years of my life, I had to force laughter in moments I knew should be funny so that no one would notice and no one would ask why I wasn't acting normal. More than that I lost the ability to genuinely cry as well. I still cried, but for myself and only myself. I couldn't feel compassion or joy for other people. I learned how to function as a normal person, but it was just a mask. As much as I longed to feel and live life to the fullest depression was robbing me of it. Some people call it smiling depression, it's dealing with it on the inside, but hiding it on the outside. Even the people who appear the happiest, can be the ones fighting for their life on the inside. Anyone can be dealing with this, don't be afraid to ask someone you think might be struggling. They won't be offended, they will be happy to know someone care.
Back to my story, I was in a very dark place, but I had great friends and family who helped me get help. Now that I have gotten help and I am out of the mire I was in, I try to laugh and cry at least once a day. This probably seems forced or just plain weird to some people, but now that I have the freedom to laugh and cry I want that experience every chance I can. So thank you to the people who help me laugh and make me cry, and really everyone who helps me feel anything at all. If anyone wants to share stories that have made them laugh or cry, or about depression I am always here to listen!

One Week In

So I have been in my Masters of Clinical Counseling program for one week now. Most of this week we had our orientation. Four days of 9-5 sessions. We learned things from the counseling microskills to licensure laws. It was a full experience. At the very beginning it was not what I expected, I thought there would be 12-20 people there, but there was only two of us. Honestly at that point I wanted to turn and run. I knew that with only two that I couldn't hide. I am a person who likes to stay silent in a group, I know that I could add things, but I just don't like to. I also knew that I couldn't run and leave this person to face it alone.
I am so glad I stuck around. We were able to learn about each other and about ourselves. Each day started out with meditation and though it was not what I was used to it was a wonderful way to meditate on God's goodness first thing in the morning. After that we learned how to ask open and closed question, reflect meaning, paraphrase, use minimal encouragers, and to not creep people out with eye contact. It was a very stretching experience I have to trust my instructor and partner. I will totally use these in normal conversation so be prepared.
The best part was group therapy. I had my doubts, to say the least, but it was an eye opening experience. I was able to share and to support others in sharing it was an exchange of emotions and experiences that I would have never guessed would happen. We were able to talk about faith and family and how to get through life. It was a safe place that allowed authentic life to be lived. It was a great opportunity to presence (the practice of being present with the people around you and being actively engaged) with people.
Overall though I am exhausted and ready for my schedule to be normal again I am very glad I have started down this road. I know it will be hard and there will be a ton of homework (some of which I am currently avoiding) I know that I will be a better person, a better son, a better brother, and better friend when it's all said and done.

Reflections

Not even sure what this is, beside my thoughts on life. As always welcome to thoughts.

Independent
Separated, but safe
A zone of comfort
But dying

The storm comes
My shield crumbles
Exposed now
Fractured

Pain again
Dangling at cliff's edge
Barely holding
Slipping

The pressure shatters
A million pieces
Never whole again
Worthless

The life, the death, the Savior

The lies shatter
A mosaic revealed
A different whole
Made worthy

Pain again
To the edge of self
Being held
Saved

The torrent unleashed
In the shadow of the cross
Walls gone
Freed

Dependent
Connected and secure
The comfort is gone
But alive