Freedom to Laugh and Cry

This weekend I was told that I had a great laugh and was given the compliment that I am never afraid to laugh. These were such beautiful comments and I appreciate them greatly. It is true I love to laugh, I purposefully watch funny Youtube videos so that I can get at least one laugh in a day. But this is only part of the story.
As some people know I have struggled with clinical depression for a large majority of life and it is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of to this day.  With depression, many people think that it is just being sad all of the time. That is part of it, I definitely felt sad at times. There is also so much more, there is an overwhelming numbness that you feel to all emotions, you lose interest in the people and things that you love, and it really a scary place to be. For years of my life, I had to force laughter in moments I knew should be funny so that no one would notice and no one would ask why I wasn't acting normal. More than that I lost the ability to genuinely cry as well. I still cried, but for myself and only myself. I couldn't feel compassion or joy for other people. I learned how to function as a normal person, but it was just a mask. As much as I longed to feel and live life to the fullest depression was robbing me of it. Some people call it smiling depression, it's dealing with it on the inside, but hiding it on the outside. Even the people who appear the happiest, can be the ones fighting for their life on the inside. Anyone can be dealing with this, don't be afraid to ask someone you think might be struggling. They won't be offended, they will be happy to know someone care.
Back to my story, I was in a very dark place, but I had great friends and family who helped me get help. Now that I have gotten help and I am out of the mire I was in, I try to laugh and cry at least once a day. This probably seems forced or just plain weird to some people, but now that I have the freedom to laugh and cry I want that experience every chance I can. So thank you to the people who help me laugh and make me cry, and really everyone who helps me feel anything at all. If anyone wants to share stories that have made them laugh or cry, or about depression I am always here to listen!

One Week In

So I have been in my Masters of Clinical Counseling program for one week now. Most of this week we had our orientation. Four days of 9-5 sessions. We learned things from the counseling microskills to licensure laws. It was a full experience. At the very beginning it was not what I expected, I thought there would be 12-20 people there, but there was only two of us. Honestly at that point I wanted to turn and run. I knew that with only two that I couldn't hide. I am a person who likes to stay silent in a group, I know that I could add things, but I just don't like to. I also knew that I couldn't run and leave this person to face it alone.
I am so glad I stuck around. We were able to learn about each other and about ourselves. Each day started out with meditation and though it was not what I was used to it was a wonderful way to meditate on God's goodness first thing in the morning. After that we learned how to ask open and closed question, reflect meaning, paraphrase, use minimal encouragers, and to not creep people out with eye contact. It was a very stretching experience I have to trust my instructor and partner. I will totally use these in normal conversation so be prepared.
The best part was group therapy. I had my doubts, to say the least, but it was an eye opening experience. I was able to share and to support others in sharing it was an exchange of emotions and experiences that I would have never guessed would happen. We were able to talk about faith and family and how to get through life. It was a safe place that allowed authentic life to be lived. It was a great opportunity to presence (the practice of being present with the people around you and being actively engaged) with people.
Overall though I am exhausted and ready for my schedule to be normal again I am very glad I have started down this road. I know it will be hard and there will be a ton of homework (some of which I am currently avoiding) I know that I will be a better person, a better son, a better brother, and better friend when it's all said and done.

Reflections

Not even sure what this is, beside my thoughts on life. As always welcome to thoughts.

Independent
Separated, but safe
A zone of comfort
But dying

The storm comes
My shield crumbles
Exposed now
Fractured

Pain again
Dangling at cliff's edge
Barely holding
Slipping

The pressure shatters
A million pieces
Never whole again
Worthless

The life, the death, the Savior

The lies shatter
A mosaic revealed
A different whole
Made worthy

Pain again
To the edge of self
Being held
Saved

The torrent unleashed
In the shadow of the cross
Walls gone
Freed

Dependent
Connected and secure
The comfort is gone
But alive

A Stake in the Ground

This week is something of a milestone. This week I will finish my first full workout plan, I have been at it 3 months. It has been quite a journey of highs and lows. I have felt moments of triumph doing things that I thought physically unattainable. And I have had moments of failure giving into momentary temptation instead of holding to the reasons I started this. I started this journey at 290 pounds and now I am down to 270, it feels like quite and accomplishment, but I am no where near where I want to be. I am stronger and faster and I can go further that I thought I could. I was worried that it would be hard to reach this point, I wasn't sure I would still have sight of my goals. I was wrong, my goals get clearer and stronger each day.

My first goal is to live a healthier life. I found out just before starting this journey that I had put my body in a precarious situation. I had high cholesterol, was it a major concern? Right then, no it wasn't yet an issue. It could become one quickly though. Neglecting the needs that God created my body with I had desecrated the one gift that we are all given to start this life. I had taken what should be a temple to the Lord and turned it into a dumping ground for what ever brightly or sugar coated sweet that was with in reach. Taking control of what I was eating has been a great (if not always tasty) change. I am eating when i am hungry and not just because I am bored. I am also eating fruits and vegetables, which before I avoid most of all of God's creations.

My second goal is to be able to do the fun things I want to. I had reach a point where even a flight of stairs could wind me and running was out of the question (unless it was for the last cookie). I have never been in great shape, but I want that to change. I want to be able to do the fun, athletic thing that I had never done or could no longer do. Though I am no marathoner I can run without feeling like death and I have no fear of playing sports with my friends. Find and sticking to a workout plan has been so hard, but it has been so rewarding. It hurt at first but I have developed a rhythm and am starting to see progress. I have discovered there are days where you just don't want to do it, and those are they days the battle is won. Going more makes going more easier.

My third goal is to look good. Its vain, but it keeps me going even on the days when the other two don't.

That is my update for today, I am currently looking for my next workout and as always on the lookout for new meal prep recipes. I will keep you updated on the progress.

One of my Fantasy Teams

My Next Step

As some of you may have seen I have been accepted to the Masters of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Bellevue University. That in of itself might be post worthy, but the real thing I am posting about is the question that I keep getting asked by everyone who know. "Are you excited?" On the surface that should be an easy question and in the end it is an easy question, but there is a lot rolled up in my emotions about my next step.

So on the surface if you want the short answer, I am excited. This is what I have wanted to do for quite a while now. In the end the answer is yes, I am excited, but I am feel many other things as well. I am nervous, because I really have no idea what to expect. I mean I know what a counselor does, but I don't know what my professors will be like or if I am ready to be back in school. I am eager to learn again, I actually miss lecture (as crazy as that sounds). I am ready to pursue more classes that interest me.

I am also a little terrified. I am scared that I will fall flat on my face. I am scared that I will not be smart enough to do well in my classes. I am happy that I will be able to use what I learn to help people, though I don't know in what capacity or where. I am happy to know that I have a wonderful support system to help me through this. I am uncertain how I will respond or how I should respond when my beliefs are called out in the classes I take and my peers and professors. I am feeling everything and it all seems to be a bit over whelming.

Although on top of and through it all I am excited. I am excited that I am scared and nervous, because it will make me have to trust God for my sufficiency and my strength. I am excited to face the uncertainty on having my beliefs criticized because it will allow me to hold true and deepen the convictions that God has given me. I am excited to step out in faith and have God establish and direct where my foot will land. I am excited for this next step.

Picture borrowed from http://www.careerocean.com/wordclouds/mental-health-counselor.jpg

Humanity

This word can be used to describe the human race as a whole or it can be used to describe the humanness and benevolence that humans can display. This word has been a wonder to me for a while now. The idea that this word can hold such high praise for humans while we are capable of such terrible things.

The word humanity has become a sort of social contract that we will treat each other with the decency we would like in return. Although so often this is broken by hatred and bigotry. The world seems like it is at a breaking point, that we are on the cusp of an all out attack on one another. I disagree this lack of humanity is what we have always been marked by. Though we have hidden it in different ways we have always been oppressing and destroying those we feel are against to us since Cain killed Abel. Through wars and conquest and destroying the cultural identity of others through various means.

Some would readily agree with me, especially those students of history who can cite hatred and destruction. There are those who would immediately oppose me rationalizing their actions and the actions of the past with religion, political stance, or by some imbued right. I don't believe that any of religion or political stance should be used as a means of hatred.

Religion and faith in the Creator should be the reason that we reach out to the poor and oppressed, the reason we care for the widows and orphans. We are not imbued with the right to judge the rest of humanity and execute that judgement. We are emissaries of love, compassion, and reconciliation. We are also vanguards against those who would twist true religious for power and personal gain.

Government is our own creation and it should be used to protect and govern those of different backgrounds and origins. It should not be used as weapons of oppression and destruction. Especially those of us in America, our government was created by the people for the people, all people. It has taken us a while to finally reach a point where at least on the surface we are all represented, but moving forward we can demand protection of all.

It may seem that I have lost hope in humanity, but it is the opposite I have even more hope for humanity in these times that seem dark. We are made in the image of the Creator and he has imbued us with the ability to care for those around us. Those of us redeemed are even more able to show love and compassion to the broken and downtrodden. We have the opportunity to be a voice for the voiceless and the oppressed. To stand up for those who share the title of human. Often I believe we focus on how different we are when all it takes to love is to remember what we have in common. We all love and want to be love, we all feel: happiness, sadness, joy, and defeat and, we all want to live life to the fullest. We are creations of God.

My hope is that, in this time of instant communication and information, we will not be overwhelmed by the evil and atrocities in the world, but that we will overwhelm them with love, compassion, and humanity.