I am happy to share another interview. This week I have the privilege of sharing Jordan's story. Jordan is a 27-year-old Special Education Teacher in Indianapolis. She enjoys coffee, podcasts, journaling, and sharing her love of whiskey and bourbon with those around her. She has a very close relationship with her family. She is the oldest of four and they are all her favorite. She is self-defined as a bit guarded, but one she lets someone in she is a devoted friend for life.
How long has depression been a part of your life?
About 15 years - I remember my first experience with it being during puberty. Aside from that, I’ve always been one to stress out easily. I am naturally a bit uptight and self-critical.
What are the symptoms that you experience?
Feeling like a shell of the person that I am and that nothing can fix me. It feels like a huge boulder is holding me down, crushing everything; mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Frequent milder symptoms of exhaustion, self-loathing, and general disinterest. Sometimes severe symptoms of dark emotions, suicidal thoughts, or feelings of self-harm.
How had depression affected your life?
I struggled with it heavily during my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. Prior to that, I thought it was just teen angst, PMS, or general moodiness. But my thoughts and emotions were very dark, so I really felt like something more was wrong with me.
Why couldn’t I just choose to be happier? Why was I feeling so worthless and hopeless? I was confused.
When I gave my life to Christ, I had a new hope and I thought I would surely overcome depression and suicidal thoughts. But as I continued to struggle through different seasons of my life, I felt like a failure; weak. I never wanted to talk about it because I felt shame and that it would be a burden on others.
I felt guilty for not being happier because I did not think I had good enough reasons to feel depressed. So, I’d just push it all aside until the next depressive episode and acted like everything was fine.
Most recently, when I started grad school, I struggled with the more severe symptoms of depression. I thought it would get a bit better if I de-stressed or when I was finished school. But, it did not. It frustrated me. I felt like I had come so far with self-care and had a strong identity in Christ. I wanted to be strong enough to overcome it alone, without having to be open about it.
What additional problems has it caused?
It can keep me from social situations and make me withdrawn, though I’m on the introverted side, so it’s not always due to depression. It also has affected my physical health, struggles with weight, and how I view myself. I’ve walked through a lot of self-hate. It also affects how I deal with challenging situations and treat others, such as my family or my students.
What pushed you to seek out help?
One of my family members has anxiety and Tourette’s. Seeing them be brave and take steps toward solutions encouraged me to do the same. They started taking medication. Other family members also have anxiety, social disorders, depression, and other mental health challenges. I started to really consider the genetic element of my mental health journey. Also, as I more closely monitored my depression, I saw that it mainly coincided with the week or two before my period. That helped me to understand it better and to acknowledge it more openly.
What type of treatment have you received and how did you respond to it?
Last year, after I was really honest on a mental health screener for the first time ever, my doctor prescribed me medication. I kept the pills for a month before I decided to try them. I was wary of prescription drugs and didn’t want to rely on them. It took me a long time to not let my pride get in the way of being honest with myself and with others. I’d still prefer to not take medication, but it has made a big difference in my life so far. For now, it is helping me to be in a better place to address it and have conversations about it.
I’ve experienced hope through my relationship with Christ, but it has not been a “sunshine and rainbows” type of hope. Sometimes it is a weak grasp as a last resort or just an angry, bitter tearful conversation with God. Journaling has also helped me process my emotions. Talking about it with friends and family has helped too.
How have those around you responded to your depression?
Some are encouraging, some surprised. Similar to the last blog I have had people say that depression is a sin issue and not one to take medication for. I have definitely experienced that response too. I already struggle with perfectionism, so that isn’t helpful. It lumps on shame and makes me rely more on working hard than on grace. Taking medication is already something I am a bit insecure about. I am on a journey of healing. I need Christ.
Have you seen anything positive come from it?
It continues to teach me to walk with God in brokenness, anger, frustration, and doubt. It never seems positive when I am going through it, but afterward, I am able to reflect on it. It helps me have real conversations with loved ones, which allows them to be messy in return. It helps me not shy away from the brokenness of others.
I get it. I’m just as messy.
What would you tell people who are curious about depression?
People have so many different experiences with mental health. Ask questions. Be aware. You do not have to try and fix it. Be there and speak truth. That is enough.
What do you want to share with those struggling alone with depression?
Talk about it. It is worth it. Be honest, even if it hits at your pride or you feel ashamed. Everyone struggles with something and it is refreshing when we are able to be open about it rather than trying to fake it or overcompensate.
(Back to Jared) I know for me personally, I really resonate with Jordan. It can be very hard to be open and honest with people around us and with ourselves about what is really going on inside. There is the stigma around mental illness, especially depression and anxiety, that it shouldn't be talked about and that it is something to be ashamed of. Well, I had it explained to me once like this, if someone has a head wound that bleeding profusely and you see them trying to fix it by themselves with a band-aid you wouldn't talk about it, I hope. You would get them help and you wouldn't let them do it alone. It is no different with mental illness, besides the fact that there are no viable wounds. There are some people who can hide it and you would never know anything was wrong, but most cannot. Most are crying out for help is you simply listen close enough.
I am not trying to shame anyone, because I know I am just as guilty about not reaching out to those who I know are in need. For me, most things can dissuade me, but mostly it is my own comfort. I challenge you and myself to step out of our comfort zones and reach out a hand to those drowning, looking for hope.
I am here to listen if anyone needs it. As Jordan put it: I get it. I am just as messy. My life isn't perfect and I am in the middle of my mental health journey, but I always welcome fellow travelers to join me in it. If you are struggling alone and you need more immediate help or you are considering suicide, I encourage you to call the number below. Everyone has value and everyone has purpose.
